The Cus Is Loose

The End Of My Sentence

2007-06-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day here at the office. I have to admit, I never expected a ridiculously repetitive, mind numbing job to be so enjoyable. Who am I kidding really? It was all down-hill after Kev left. I think I'll miss the Green Tea, and 3pm milk and cookie breaks the most. A solid four and a half months have passed though and it allowed me to fully recharge after the agony of my restaurant burn-out. It served me well in studying for the LSAT too, though only time will tell exactly how well.

Now I am on the edge of my summer vacation, staring down into a gorge of opportunity and just waiting for that last nudge. I have a few projects in mind for the next two weeks before I head to the Easy Coast and Vegas, but if the Vancouver weather stays rainy like it is supposed to this weekend, I might end up being more productive than I would like. Tanning will fall considerably down the priority list unfortunately.

I really need to wash my car, start an eBay account, research law schools and application requirements, play at least one round of golf, finish reading 'The God of Small Things' (amazing so far, by the way), write more myself, organize volunteer opportunities, and then eventually find a night job once I get back into Vancouver, whereupon the summer sizzle had better be in full effect. Other than that I can do pretty much anything I want to, which is nice, although impending Law School tuition will require some budgeting over the next year or so, but that can start in September, right, or maybe Halloween?

It will be interesting to see how blogging fits into my new schedule starting Monday, or if it does. I do want to continue waking up at a decent morning hour. Hopefully, I can start going to the gym before noon and leave a lot of day for other stuff. That would be ideal. All of this being said, I'll probably be pretty bored by Tuesday, but it could just be my Seasonal Affective Disorder acting up again. I need my Vitamin D! Deep breaths.

Well, so long to the office, only 7 hours left. Then I can get back into real life where people aren't intravenously hooked up to the Internet 9 hours a day. I think I'll be okay.

Walk or Die!

2007-06-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

Since Derek and Hansel’s infamous, David Bowie judged, walk-off/underwear escape, it has been very obvious to me that walking is the most important part of being a successful model. Most of us walk almost every day, with differing levels of success of course, but the truly talented walkers in the industry have been known to wear runways thin with their continuous marching. That might not be true, but if I were getting paid to look good and walk better, I’d be mixing in a little extra practice.

The girls are struggling with Jacqueline’s departure, because she was such a nice girl. If any of the contestants had done their homework, or even ever heard of Naomi Campbell or Kate Moss, they’d know that nice doesn’t mean a whole lot. I’m pretty sure the nicest, most trusting water buffalo are the first to get chomped in the neck by Mr. Crocodile. Anyhow, the mood around the house is brightened when they receive digital cameras as gifts from Jay. The next few hours are what a Jpop concert must be like, and the walls are soon plastered with pics.

Jay Mail leads to an early morning arrival at an ice rink. As the girls line up, they are greeted by a team of hockey players, who skate around in circles like Peacocks spreading fantastic feathers. Not surprisingly, the girls appreciate the testosterone boost, but wait, in order to counteract that Testosterone, here she comes… Lights, Camera, Action! Miss Jay arrives. What a spectacle. The girls are delighted, but they should be afraid. Miss Jay takes walking very seriously. I mean as seriously as a stiletto wearing, thin calved, 6’2” gay, black man can I guess.

Soon the girls are paired up with the boys, skating a wee bit, falling a lot (in Mo’s case) and posing it up in a brief moment of fun. Then, the gloves come off. It’s runway time, where the girls walk without any instruction for the first time:

Steff is okay, but by now everyone knows her days are numbered.

Tia bops her booty around more than necessary.

Mo is surprisingly bad, taking little steps and not much better on ground than ice.

So… Rebecca has scoliosis. Extreme spine curvature in modeling is not an advantage, and that kind of signature walk is not what we were aiming for.

Sinead comes out and does pretty well for someone who has no experience; a few of her poses at the runway’s end were amateurishly cute though.

Cori starts to walk and then starts to cry and can’t stop crying because she had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is also the girl whose boyfriend, grandma, and dog died close together. Okay, she gets a pass, but her body parts don’t seem to communicate well. Miss Jay makes her scream and then, not to be outdone, screams like a near-death diva, breaking the tension a little.
Gina is up next and looks good, but the emphasis is always on her wobbly bits, which bounce and bobble a little more than they should.

Finally Tara walks the walk, and as a more experienced contestant, she of the numerous Calgary fashion shows (really?) sets herself up as the one to beat.

Stacey McKenzie shows up following the walking tutorial and takes the girls to Much Music for a little Much On Demand runway show. The girls are coated in Pepto-Bismol and equipped with household items as props before being sent out. The pink body suits are embarrassingly unflattering but most of the girls actually improved quite a bit. Not surprisingly Tara wins the challenge and receives a diamond Baume & Mercier watch. CNTM keeps bringing out legitimate prizes, I’m impressed.

Back at the house it becomes clear that no one is stoked Tara won. She likes to brag about it and is already rubbing most girls the wrong way. Gina is also lumped with Tara as ‘those girls’ but I think she gets a bad rap because she doesn’t want to partake in the teenage drama sphere. Either way, Tara doesn’t want to take part in an impromptu photo collage and is replaced in the line by a shot of Tia’s bum. Funny and apt in my opinion.

The next morning the girls show up for their big day, and are greeted by Nole Marin who giddily tells them they will be doing a commercial for Venus razorblades. Wow, if there is one thing these Canadian gals have shown is that beauty has nothing to do with voice quality. Tara and Rebecca are freaked because they both know the sounds that come out of their mouths are less than melodious; in fact Toads with Tonsillitis come to mind.

Gina does well but looks more like an actress than a model.

Mo’s accent doesn’t come off very well.

Cori had great energy but her eyebrows dance like nobody’s business. She actually looks a lot like Mischa Barton on camera, which is interesting.

Rebecca comes off like a medicated zombie. Not good.

Sinead is amazing (this might become a theme).

Steff sucks (also a theme), even though she has been acting since she was 8.

Tia is dyslexic, so she struggles a little, but her energy is solid and being okay is like being in the top 3 this week.

Tara is last and least, Nole says she sounds constipated, and I have to admit she might have one of the worst voices I have ever heard. There might not be a person alive hot enough to pull it off, let’s just put it out there.

No one is excited for judging, except maybe Mr. Jay, who gets to hang out with Miss Jay again and relive some great ANTM memories like when… well you know what I mean.

Just to annoy the girls a little more, they are asked to walk in super restrictive pencil skirts and all have a great deal of trouble navigating the stairs and subsequent runway. Of course, Miss Jay shows them how to do it on tiptoe while wearing chunky skate shoes. Classic.

Individual criticism is pretty standard; no one shines across the board. Sinead gets the best feedback, but even her walk was pretty boring in the judge’s eyes. Mo, Tara, and Rebecca get lit up to varying degrees because of their terrible commercials.

The final two standing are Steff and Gina. Pretty picture vs. personality. Well, pretty pictures and modeling are almost the same thing. Oh wait, they are the same thing. See ya Steff. Steff says, ‘Three strikes you’re out’ and takes her walking papers. If you’re so consistently in the bottom two, it just isn’t much of a surprise when the time comes.

This week was a learning experience for the girls and did a lot to humble some egos. When you come right down to it, who expected these contestants to make walking and talking look so difficult? I mean they didn’t even have to do it at the same time.

The LSAT

2007-06-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took the LSAT. Today I am relieved, but also dismayed that I now have to wait until July 2nd to get the results. Geez, like I'm not an anxious enough person already.

I really think it went well. I mean, if you aren't prepared after doing every practice test since June 2002, then something is wrong.

The Logic Games section was first in my test booklet which was good and bad. After a few seconds, which seemed like minutes of initial shock, I managed to wrap my head around it. Things were looking up. Then I ran into a logical reasoning section and reading comprehension section which both went pretty well.

After a quick break where I unceremoniously scarfed down a sandwich to fuel my brain, there was another logical reasoning section and then a final reading comprehension section which means that one of the reading comp sections was the experimental section. If the experimental section was the final, slightly more difficult group of passages, things are definitely looking up. Time was never an issue, although there was a second on the final section where I missed a question and was confused when I went to fill in 24 D and found 23 empty. Catastrophe successfully averted.

Most people seemed pretty confident, but I got a little boost after hearing a few people put their anticipated max score at somewhere around my minimum. Either way, I have three weeks to wait, and until then it's the 95th percentile (I'm guessing 166-171) or bust. Once scaled scores get over 160, the percentile rank gets up there pretty fast, considering that 8 extra questions right can translate into 12-15 percentile points. Now I'm just rambling, so I'll leave you with the exciting news that you'll probably only have to hear about the LSAT one more time, unless I do really well, whereupon I will get my score tattooed on an easily visible part of my body.

Countdown

2007-06-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

I take the LSAT in three days and am finished my contract here at the office in seven! I'm excited/anxious/confident/freaked out/stressed in varying percentages throughout the day.

I have some review and one complete practice test to do before the big day, with the plan being to relax and ensure a good night's sleep on Sunday. I tend to over think in the wee hours and stare at the ceiling, similar to that little kid in the Disney commercial who is 'too excited to sleep'.

Then the focus shifts to a little East Coast Major League Baseball/World Series of Poker in Las Vegas Holiday. After that though, man I don't have a clue. Vancouver, sun, some form of gainful employment, volunteer/intern experience, and then applying to schools. Baby steps, let's just get through Monday and take it from there shall we?

Makeover Day CNTM Style

2007-06-07T10:13:00.000-07:00

This week’s episode of Canada’s Next Top Model really did a lot to redeem this plummeting franchise. Mika was tossed last week in a decision that no disturbed no one, and this episode started with the girl’s getting a hot tub as a gift for both the housemates and the viewing audience I must say. Good idea team!

As Jay mail arrives early the next morning, everyone knows what time it is: Makeover Time! The most fantastic day of this or any other year unless you happen to lose the beauty enhancing lottery and get A) a painful weave, or B) all of your locks chopped off against your will.

At the Salon, Nole and Jay tell the girls what they have in store for each of them. For some reason I feel more comfortable with Jay and Nole making these decisions than with Tyra saying, “Hmm, maybe we’ll shave your head except for the two patches around your ears, and then dye them fuchsia. Fuchsia is big right now, very editorial.” Okay, understandable perhaps, but editorial isn’t going to pay for the psychiatrist after the disfigured girl is bumped from the show and loses her job at Tim Horton’s because she scares the elderly.

Here’s a quick breakdown of each girl’s change:

Steff gets a dynamic wedge hair cut.

Tara is going from cat hairball to long wavy weave.

Rebecca will be going from edgy to edge of sanity with a short fir engine red cut.

Jacqueline’s lion’s mane is getting a little dye job but no huge change; they’re going for a Rachel Hunter look.

Tia gets coppery extensions. Can they weave in a muzzle?

Mo is going to go to a chocolate brown and stay pretty short.

Cori is being turned into a Gisele Bundchen style Victoria’s Secret Angel.

Gina is going dark, and her hair is being cut to shoulder length.

Finally, Sinead, like her namesake and Patron Irish Saint of short hair, Sinead O’Conner, is going Natalie Portman pixie.

Wait, did they just show a picture of Natalie Portman on Canada’s Next Top Model? It’s like they’re designing this show for me alone! Maybe they can read my mind, or maybe it’s the endless barrage of episode ‘suggestions’ I send in weekly, just kidding. Kind of.

Other than a special gift/commercial from Covergirl, the makeovers are fairly non-eventful. Gina isn’t super stoked about losing her locks, and Sinead is upset, but only because she is reminded of her sister’s battle with a brain tumor. Tara, weave inserted, might become more cranky than usual, which does not bode well for the roommates. Rebecca takes her new hair the hardest and thinks she looks like a freak. But seriously, will folks back at the slaughterhouse really mind?

After the makeovers each girl jumped into a photo shoot to show off the new look, and this shoot doubled as the episode’s challenge. During blatant LG phone commercials Nole is sending pics to Jay who is no doubt getting an oil change across the street. He comes in after the melee and anoints Sinead as the challenge winner and gives her a $5000 Visa Card to go shopping. I have to say that I was pretty impressed with such a decent prize from CNTM, considering ANTM only rocked the expensive jewelry in nearer the final rounds.

Once back home, things mellow out a little, the girls enjoy the Hot Tub and Gina pulls away a bit, needing a break from the incessant mewling of a few young ladies, namely Tia, who can’t shut up for more than an inhalation at a time. Tara is also getting a little cocky and it becomes apparent that she will become the incumbent ‘bitch’ of this season.
After another puzzling Jay Mail, makeover day is done.

At the Photo shoot, the next day, the girl’s meet their newest co-stars, and they are smaller but equally as slimy as the boys from the nude shoot. They include, sea snails, a crab, a crayfish, an octopus, eels, fish, seaweed, and a lobster.

Steff, who has a phobia of octopi (really?), is the only girl who freaks out. And the photo shoots begin. Sinead rocks her pic, Tia does well, as do most of the girls, although Gina seems to struggle and Nole tells Steff that getting a good shot from her is like fishing in the Sahara. That is a confidence booster for sure.

Sinead leaves for her shopping excursion and comes back with a plethora of pink Holt Renfrew bags. The other girls are excited/super jealous until Sinead/Mother Teresa reveals a present for each of them. Wow, chalk one point up for Sinead.

When they get home the girls find they each received a little black dress and will be expected to modify it in their personal way for judging. The next few hours are mayhem of model inspired arts and crafts.

At judging the next day, the girls truly look like models in their little black dresses. After a mini accessorizing challenge, each girl is reviewed and most of the ocean-inspired beauty shots are great. Sinead, Rebecca and Tara are probably the top three, while Mo, Gina, and Steff, no surprise leave the judges wanting more.

Oh yeah, in the middle there somewhere Sinead collapses; apparently she’s not content hogging the episode with the drastic makeover and challenge win. She also must drop it like it’s hot. Whatever, Sinead can do no wrong in anyone’s mind at this point.

As the judges deliberate, Paul Alexander expresses that he wishes there was a ‘swamp donkey’ in the bunch to make elimination easier. Wow, that was pretty unexpected. Can you imagine Nigel of Twiggy saying that? I also immediately thought about how many ‘swamp donkeys’ we have seen come and go in the many cycles who obviously had no chance of winning. Oh wait, what with Jaslene’s recent win and those twins success, the swamp donkey population has recently demonstrated itself as thriving.

In a fairly surprising move, Jacqueline and Steff are the bottom two. In this case it became obvious that Jacqueline wasn’t model material, although no one doubted that she gave good face. Steff can’t last very long however, since the rumor is that being photogenic is an important part of modeling. You don’t say?

So far I have to admit that CNTM is really upping the ante. Even the production quality seemed better on this episode than the last; maybe someone is finally taking my suggestions to heart. In that case, I would suggest that the next challenge Sinead should face is a photo shoot on the seawall outside of my apartment, with Natalie Portman as a guest judge. A guy can dream right?

Managerial Meltdowns

2007-06-05T10:03:00.000-07:00

Baseball is a great sport for so many reasons, including kosher hot dogs and walk off homeruns.

Another great thing about baseball is that it’s the only sport where the managers wear the same uniform as the players. This stems from early on in baseball history when players doubled as managers as teams traveled around playing one another.

In modern times, the baseball manager wearing a full uniform is sometimes a silly sight, especially when filled out by a jolly, rotund fellow like Tommy Lasorda, or a geriatric like Sparky Andersen. But can you imagine a football coach in full pads on the sidelines, or Jeff Van Gundy rocking a basketball jersey on the bench?

Either way, when a grown man pitches a fit like these following videos, you can’t help but think of a little leaguer throwing a tantrum. Hey guys, it’s just a game! But I guess if you’re already being tossed, you might as well make it memorable.

These are three of the most memorable managerial meltdowns in recent history, including base throwing, dirt kicking, and even rosin bag grenade heaving!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAY0aLtScus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8CcJXjbL9Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjNZdy1ZNMs

In related baseball news, I just booked my flight for this year’s East Coast Baseball Adventure where we’ll watch games in Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, Boston, and New York, including a game at Yankee Stadium on the 4th of July. Heaven on earth.

Some Offensive Gold From Sarah Silverman

2007-06-04T09:20:00.000-07:00

If any of you missed Sarah Silverman hosting the MTV Movie Awards last night, have no fear because I'm sure it will be played continuously for the next three months on MTV Canada. You can also watch the entire program on MTV.ca is you really want to, which is convenient because it's spliced into mini episodes so you can skip the annoying parts involving John Travolta or some no name accepting an award, and jump straight to shots of Jessica Biel.

Other than Biel's perfectly sculpted arms, Sarah Silverman was the star of the night, pulling no punches while absolutely roasting young Hollywood. For your viewing enjoyment, here's a link to the best parts of Sarah's opening monologue where Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Tobey Maguire are brutalized. It's the perfect mixture of pleasure and pain:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUJ2rSPXScc

And I almost forgot, Biel and Silverman shared this moment... someone at MTV should get a raise:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7qpNPdaCA

Weekend Quotes

2007-06-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

Here are some quotes about the weekend for your enjoyment. Maybe you can drop one of these the next time you're partaking in patio beverages and impress everyone with your sparkling intelligence. There's a first time for everything after all. You can thank me later.

The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend.

-Chuck Palahniuk

On a lazy Saturday morning when you're lying in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, there is a space where fantasy and reality become one. Are you awake, or are you dreaming? You see people and things; some are familiar; some are strange. You talk, you feel, but you move without walking; you fly without wings. Your mind and your body exist, but on separate planes. Time stands still. For me, this is the feeling I have when ideas come.

-Lynn Johnston

Life is a wretched gray Saturday, but it has to be lived through.

-Anthony Burgess

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

-Woody Allen

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

-Susan Ertz

The majority of people perform well in a crisis and when the spotlight is on them; it's on the Sunday afternoons of this life, when the nobody is looking, that the spirit falters.

-Alan Bennett

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

-Matt Groening

In the late 19th century Evanston, Illinois, nicknamed "Heavenston" by Frances Willard, was a Methodist-minded town, so pious that the town fathers, resenting the dissipating influence of the soda fountain, passed an ordinance forbidding the sale of ice cream sodas on Sunday. Some ingenious confectioners, obeying the law, served ice cream with syrup but no soda. This sodaless soda was the Sunday soda, and became so popular that orders for "Sundays" crossed the counter everyday of the week. When objection was raised to christening the dish after the Sabbath, the spelling was changed to Sundae, and so developed one of America's most characteristic dishes.

-William Lyon Phelps

Canada's Next Top Model

2007-05-31T10:11:00.000-07:00

I’m a little hesitant to begin CNTM blogs. This last cycle of ANTM really left me with a bad taste in my mouth, probably similar to that of licking the alleyway asphalt outside of Cha Cha Diva’s house in Chicago. Luckily, a Tyra-less show appeals to me because I feel a little overexposed to her fantastic five head. This year’s host/Executive producer, Jay Manuel, is taking over for Tricia Helfer and seems to be up to the challenge so far.

The show’s opening previewed a montage of audition tapes, which were fairly standard except for the one girl who, while dressed in her underwear, jumps on the bed and smokes her head on the ceiling light. Injuries received while re-enacting classic ‘Man-Show’ episodes are always embarrassing.

Soon after, a group of 10 contestants arrive at Citytv headquarters in Toronto in a fleet of white SUVs each having just heard the good news from Mr. Jay Manuel himself.

I have to admit that I was a little shocked when they only ten girls showed up, and so were the contestants. I attributed the lack of a cut down to the top ten as a budget issue, but was soon reassured by the parting of a large wall and the sight of 10 more contestants.

To find the top ten, Jay, Stacey (what planet is she from?), and Nole talk to the girls one on one and watch them walk a little bit. Elle is a girl from Abbotsford who had no chance to make the top ten, but did not lack confidence, to say the least. That confidence will serve her well as she returns to work at the Abbotsford Red Robin.

One girl (who obviously doesn’t make the top ten) manages to offend the room by suggesting Tyra is a washed up model. Ouch. I half expected Jay to immediately hit her with a throwing star to the forehead, but alas, it never happened.

A sweet, if perhaps slightly slow girl, Cori, is the token bringer of tragedy to the competition. You know these shows love to bring in the baggage. Cori’s boyfriend died, then her dog died, then her grandma died. Rough, and I mean country-song rough, but the casting directors were really stretching to up the drama here. I wonder if any secret illnesses are in our future!

Rebecca is a mod model wannabe who works in a meat-packing plant. That’s pretty much the story there.

Another girl, Tia, claims to be a huge fan of fashion and photography (obvious lie) and she’s totally called on it and draws a blank when asked to name a fashion photographer. The pained look on her face was priceless!

Soon the judges deliberated and the top ten was unveiled one by: Tara, Steff, Jaqueline, Mo, Cori, Gina, Rebecca, Tia, Sinead, and Mika.

The finalists are whisked away to a pretty nice house, which I assume lays in the Toronto suburbs somewhere, complete with a runway for those spontaneous walk-offs. I think that practice strip may get worn out this year because most of the girls have a serious case of mall-fashion-show-walkitis.

Mika stands out as the loner right away, spending most of the time in her bed or smoking like a cool kid on the patio. She also tells us that her father is a rich businessman and disowned her for joining the show. Can I mention that telling someone about how rich you are is excruciatingly tacky? Could someone let her know for me?

Before the girls tuck in for the night, the first ever Jay Mail arrives and the girls know the game is on.

The game is on, but the clothes are off! The first challenge is a nude photo shoot, and, not to be outdone by ANTM, they also have to pose with two seriously creepy male models. Ewww. The girls are not impressed, and most shiver/shake their way through the shoot, which also has them styled as gothic pinups with black lips and nails, etc. There was too much going on here for me. A scandalous start to be certain, but the nude shoots don’t cause the same type of uproar if there isn’t a Southern Belle Bible-Belter in the group.

The best performers are probably Cori, Tara, and Jacqueline. Steff and Mo are pretty bad but Mo is really the bottom of the barrel, lacking any discernible knowledge about modeling. Oh, Mika sucks too.

The girls head home a prepare a huge meal, and then are reminded that this will be the last supper for one of them, as judging is imminent.

Judging brings a few awkward conversations, mostly as a result of Jeanne Becker, who talks on TV almost every day, but puts her foot in her mouth repeatedly. She insinuates that one girl has done nude shots before and then manages to call Jacqueline fat while trying really hard not to call her fat and suggest that they are looking for healthy models. It was a massacre.

The judges also casually pointed out that Gina’s boots were ugly and Steff was a man in drag. Ouch.

Not surprisingly, the bottom two are Steff and Mika, and Steff is already crying as Jay does his best Tyra Show monologue in telling each girl that she lacks what the other one possesses, blah blah blah. Shakespeare it is not, but as host, fashion robot Jay holds his own and actually manages to look prettier than the contestants in a few strange instances. He is certainly wearing more make-up.

Altogether it was an interesting, if not completely original episode. I had high hopes for this cycle of Canadian Model Wannabes. Some expectations were met, some missed. But I’m sure they will try to make up for their obvious budget shortcomings with a stream of ridiculous drama-inducing challenges and photo shoots. We can only hope one involves swimming with piranhas, or more lasers, or piranhas with lasers of course, which are always a good idea.

A Punny Joke

2007-05-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.
"Aren't you a piece of rope?" asks the bartender.
"Well, yes I am," admits the piece of rope.
"We don't serve pieces of rope here, sorry," says the bartender and turns away.

A few minutes later the piece of rope waits until the unfriendly bartender walks away and then approaches a female bartender.
"Can I have a beer?" he asks.
"Sorry fella, we don't serve pieces of rope here," she replies.

Frustrated and thirsty, the piece of rope goes into the bathroom and stares at the mirror, wondering how he can get a drink in this place. Suddenly, he gets an idea. He messes up his hair, twists himself around, and heads back to the bar.

"Can I have a beer?" he asks.
The unfriendly bartender looks at him suspiciously, "Aren't you that piece of rope from a few minutes ago?"
The piece of rope shakes his head, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Monday Funday, Man Style

2007-05-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's manly activities involved playing tennis at Kits beach, catching the end of first game of the Stanley Cup finals (Go Senators!), watching the last quarter of the Utah Jazz versus the San Antonio Spurs (Go Mormons!), being spontaneous inspired to play basketball followed by a two mile run to Granville Island, capped off by a rousing game of 3 on 3 hoops once we were down there. Other than throwing up enough bricks last night to make a cozy fireplace, it was classic.

Today I am really tired but both hamstrings are still intact and don't seem to be too angry with me. Plus it's always nice to remember you can get exercise outside of the gym, in the real world, which is what summer should be about.

It was a great day, just like Sports Day in elementary school without the yellow participation ribbons or Fudgesicles. Good times. Next time I'll by the Fudgesicles, you bring the bricks.

LOVE & LSAT Logical Reasoning: Is Love Enough?

2007-05-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend was chock full of LSAT studying, practice tests, and problem sets. Lately, my focus has been the logical reasoning sections of the test, as aided by Kaplan’s LSAT 180 book. An interesting thought jumped into my head when faced with questions that propose 'only/if' statements in the stimulus, such as:

Jim’s custom guitar can ONLY be fixed IF the repairman is level 3 certified.

A question that came from this statement would be something like:

If this statement is true, what must also be true?

The right answer in this case could be deduced by forming the ‘contrapositive’, which is a trick where you negate and invert the true statement. The contrapositive of the first statement would be:

If the repairman is NOT level 3 Certified, the guitar is NOT fixed.

Can you see how that was negated and flipped? This could be the right answer, but the wrong answer would be something tricky like:

If Reed is a Level 3 Certified repairman, he will fix the guitar.

Can you spot the flaw in reasoning?

This is simplified, but I hope you get the gist of it. The issue at hand is a difference between something being sufficient to a situation and something being necessary.

In this particular case, the Level 3 certification is necessary to fix the guitar, but is not sufficient. Reed may not have the time or the equipment to fix the guitar, or might be unwilling. Therefore, he has the necessary skill, but that does not guarantee the guitar will be fixed.

This rule, I think, applies to the matters of the heart as well. Sometimes love, especially in difficult relationships, is like the Level 3 certification: necessary, but not sufficient.

Most of us know someone who, while stuck in a bad relationship, continually falls back on, “But I love him/her!” They believe that love is enough. Let’s make this situation into an LSAT question and examine the logic involved. Imagine this statement is true:

Mary will only continue to date Chris if she loves him.

The contrapositive is: If Mary does NOT love Chris, she will NOT continue to date him.

The question for this stimulus is: Which of these statements may also be true if the above statement is true?

Think about it. Logical reasoning might help a lot of people stuck in bad relationships by shedding light on the fact that love can be an issue of sufficient vs. necessary.

In the case above, and in many real life situations, love is necessary in a positive, fulfilling relationship, but does not guarantee, nor is it sufficient to produce a positive relationship.

The wrong answer may look like this:

Mary continues to date Chris, who likes watching ‘The Golden Girls’, but doesn't love him.

Contrastingly, a right answer to this question may be:

Mary loves Chris, but does not continue to date him because he has terrible body odor.

Logic, though love sometimes clouds it, determines that love is not always sufficient. It is necessary to this particular case, but Mary might not continue to date Chris because he is abusive, drinks too much, lacks ambition, can’t read, wears women’s underwear, votes Republican, etc. For any of these reasons, or for any reason really, even if she is madly in love, Mary could logically end the relationship.

So, is love really enough?

Each situation is different, but we have determined that in this particular case, love may NOT be enough, and that’s totally LOGICAL and OKAY! The next time a friend utters those pitiable words, “But I love him/her!” throw some logic their way and it might just help them out.

Summertime Smoothies

2007-05-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

The summer is almost here! It's getting hotter and you probably feel like spending more and more time outside. The perfect smoothie can be a great quick snack for some instant energy and will always cool you down. Here are some smoothie recipes to fuel your brain, build muscle, and help your heart - with a blender!

BRAIN BOOSTER SMOOTHIE

The berries here aren't just super food for your brain; they offer an important cancer-fighting bonus.

1/2 c fresh or frozen blueberries
1/2 c fresh or frozen raspberries
1 c pineapple OJ
1/2 c low-fat vanilla yogurt
1 c ice

BERRY BERRY SMOOTHIE

Using all unsweetened fruit, this recipe delivers an antioxidant whallop without the sugar.

1/2 cup frozen unsweetened raspberries
1/2 cup frozen unsweetened strawberries
3/4 cup unsweetened pineapple juice
1 cup soy milk or 1% milk

MEMORY AID SMOOTHIE

This low-calorie smoothie is a good source of fiber, phytochemicals, and antioxidants. Blueberries in particular contain compounds that can help prevent cataracts, cancer, and memory loss.

1/2 c orange juice
1 pint nonfat vanilla or peach frozen yogurt
2 1/2 c sliced peaches
3/4 fresh or frozen blueberries

MUSCLE BUILDER SMOOTHIE

This mix features the brawn-building power of protein from both peanut butter and whey.

2 Tbsp peanut butter
1 banana
1/3 c whey protein
1/2 c fat-free chocolate frozen yogurt
1 c fat-free milk

BETA BLAST SMOOTHIE

This smoothie is a muscle-rejuvenating, beta-carotene-filled, orange-colored wonder.

3 small ice cubes
2 apricots (sliced and pitted)
1/2 papaya (frozen in chunks)
1/2 mango (frozen in chunks)
1/2 cup carrots
1 tablespoon honey

HEART HELPER

The fiber from the fruit teams with the artery-protecting antioxidants and healthy monounsaturated fats of the peanut butter to keep your ticker tickin'.

1 banana
1/2 c raspberries
1 Tbsp peanut butter
1/2 c nonfat chocolate frozen yogurt
1 c fat-free milk

KICKSTARTER SHAKE

This recipe helps produce wake-up chemicals in the brain.

1 c skim milk
2 tablespoons frozen orange juice concentrate
1 c strawberries
1 kiwifruit

SMOOTH OPERATOR

The yogurt aids digestion, while the mango and juice boost immune response.

1/2 c pitted cherries
1/2 c mango
1/2 c low-fat vanilla yogurt
1 c pineapple OJ
1 c ice

MOOD MAKER

An all-fruit smoothie, packed with carbs to boost your serotonin levels. Add a handful of flaxseeds for an extra dose of mood-boosting omega-3 fatty acids.

1/2 c fresh or frozen blueberries
1/2 c fresh or frozen mango
1 c pineapple OJ
1 c ice

BETTER BREAKFAST

Less than a minute and you're drinking a better breakfast.

1 banana
1 peach (cut up)
1/4 c orange juice
1 c ice

Why Use These Ingredients?

Peanut Butter
Packed with protein, manganese, and niacin, peanuts can help stave off heart disease and, when eaten in moderation, promote weight loss.

Fat-free Milk
All the calcium and protein, none of the fat.

Blueberries
The huge amounts of antioxidants, such as anthocyanins, in blueberries have been shown to slow brain decline and reverse memory loss.

Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt
A cache of calcium and digestion-aiding probiotics in every scoop.

Raspberries
An antioxidant powerhouse bursting with fiber, manganese, and vitamin C, these berries will keep your heart and brain in top shape.

Fat-free Chocolate Frozen Yogurt
Calcium, phosphorus, and none of the guilt.

Pineapple-orange Juice
OJ has vitamin C, and pineapples contain bromelain, a cancer-inhibiting, inflammation-reducing enzyme.

Cherries
In addition to their vitamin C and fiber content, cherries have been linked to reducing arthritis pain.

Bananas
Heavy on potassium, fiber, and vitamin B6, bananas do wonders for your heart and provide good carbs to keep you full and energized.

Whey Protein
Its essential amino acids help pack on the muscle -- making whey the best friend of athletes and gym rats.

Frozen Mangoes
To their stock of vitamins A and C, mangoes add a healthy dose of beta-carotene, which helps prevent cancer and promotes healthy skin.

Ice
A little H2O never hurt anyone.

Celebrity Limericks Is Back!

2007-05-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

Their latest fight over Iraq was a gas!

Liz is so disadvantaged in mass,

Rosie might take her life,

That poor Quarterback's wife,

By spiking her head in the grass.

Oh Britney, I can't believe that I saw!

You go from Pop-Star to white trashy Ma.

If you're going to dance,

I can live with the pants.

But seriously, mix in a bra!

There once was a singer, Scott Stapp,

Whose band was a bucket of crap.

Wife-abuser and boozer,

This greasy haired loser:

I hope he comes down with the clap.

Does skinny Nicole need Rehab?

Will they help her to add on some flab?

Because 83 pounds,

Petite as it sounds,

Is healthy if you're a Chocolate Lab.

In Baywatch, Hoff's never a bore.

His German pop fans love hime more!

But you've gotta be drunk,

You lifeguarding hunk,

To eat Big Macs right off of the floor!

You Must Be This Tall To Ride

2007-05-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

The metaphor of life as a roller coaster is fairly well rcognized. Life is considered to have similar ups and down, as well as a beginning and end.

With a little closer inspection, this metaphor is quite a bit more complicated than most would presume. The paradoxical relationship between the two seems to be the nature of the ride itself.

Yes, both journeys contain ups and downs (not to mention loop-de-loops, corkscrews and hair-pin turns) however the roller coaster's up is the slowest and least exciting, where life's up is greatly considered to mean a good time or some kind of success. Similarly, the down aspect of a roller coaster is exhilarating and is the part you anticipate while waiting on queue, whereas life's down normally connotes failure or struggle.

I contend that this relationship is actually more precise than it appears on the surface level. Perhaps the respective downs are what both journeys are really about. This is the time of change, excitement, and the unknown, even though it may also be a time of difficulty, setbacks, and emotional turmoil. A great part of living is fully accepting and embracing emotion, whether it be complete joy or bitter jealousy, and the ability to feel, learn from and even sometimes wallow in these emotions are what separate humans from animals (though sometimes not by much).

Similarly, the up phase of life and the roller coaster ride does not necessarily mean success, but rather a moment of relief, contentment, and greater perspective which is only heightened (no pun intended) by the context supplied by the down and the work done to get to that point.

Simply put, the highs and lows, ups and down, are equally important and valuable parts of the journey. Each event serves to define and provide context to those that came before and will surely follow. Maybe the track is predesigned; maybe it builds itself in front of you inches at a time. Either way, the one quality almost all roller coasters share is that initial steep climb.

Perhaps that slow clickety-clack up to the first pinnacle is the most important part. It is the gravity and speed built up during this arduous beginning which serves to power the entire journey until its screeching stop. Potential energy is built inch by inch, increases the higher you climb, and is finally released as the car crests that first hump.

So work hard to make it up that hill, and make sure you enjoy the view from way up there. Scream, laugh, cry, throw your hands in the air, but enjoy the ride however long it may be. My only other advice would be avoid the hot dog stand before you get on.

A Poem Inspired By Workplace Boredom

2007-05-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Whatever lays outside the window
and far below
cannot (I say this with much certainty)
be worse that this pod in which I sit.

Thickly full with the fluid of boredom
like a pea
so filled by seed and fear of splitting
its soft, green sheath.

These walls and windows are my skin, my shell.

Six glass panes stretch ceiling to floor,
effectively transferring the day’s mocking heat.

Slim blinds and a dust-bladed fan can blow and block,
but cannot change the monotony
assaulting my eyes.

The same straining eyes I rest
by watching pulled-cotton clouds.

Carefully I trace their progress through the grey-blue sky.

They languish, slide imperceptibly in a mostly absent wind,
take on shapes:
the unfurling arm of an octopus,
the knot and neck of a noose.

If my tolerance for tedium were any less
I’d throw myself through this nearest pane of glass,
standing there like a door without a knob,
built of a million peep-holes.

How entertaining would failure be?

My swan dive thwarted by the sudden strength
of a sheet of melted sand,
bringing forth a truly calamitous noise but lacking
the satisfying tinkling,
the shower of shards.

I don’t think I could try a second time.

Somewhere, there is an ancient cathedral,
built to honor the Patron Saint
of Boredom.

A determined monk sits below a majestic stained glass window.
Sunlight streaks gold
and purple across cherubic cheeks.

We share a similar rite of passage.
He sits and watches a patchwork quilt of glass
as prehistoric molecules course like the sands of time.

Infinitely more slowly, though, than an hour glass, turned.

In a thousand years the pane will be thicker at the base.
If undisturbed, it will gently ooze like wax forever.

An eternity, the brown-robed monk may have,
but I do not.

ANTM: Thanks For Nothing!

2007-05-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

Wow, on a reflective morning like this one, I fully expected to be in a much different frame of mind regarding America’s Next Top Model. I anticipated a wave of pride similar to that of sending your child off to the first day of school, but unfortunately Tyra, Nigel, Mr. & Ms. Jay, even Twiggy, have all let us down and stolen that happiness from us. What the !#^#&^)#()*#^@$% were you thinking!

I cannot believe that Natasha and Jaslene both survived the Covergirl ‘commercial’ and photo shoot. First of all, an ad-lib ‘My Life’ as a Covergirl commercial is the absolute worst idea they have ever had. The girls simply don’t have a life that involves Covergirl yet. It’s a different story for celebrities like Queen Latifah or Eva Longoria, but this challenge was like throwing the girls to the wolves. The performances were terribly awkward to watch as they were being filmed. Natasha was incoherent, Renee was less than natural, and Jaslene looked like a cross between a rabid donkey and the creature from ‘Alien’ with a second razor-toothed mouth extending outwards.

When Renee was eliminated at the first judging, the entire nation inhaled in surprise. She was shocked, Jaslene was shocked, and even Natasha was shocked that she got into the final at that point. Seriously, pick one underdog story and go with it you wishy-washy ratings pandering folk.

Renee’s Covergirl photo was by far the best. Jaslene and Natasha both looked awkward and hesitant and completely unnatural in their respective photos. Then Nigel made the comment amount her looking old and have wrinkles by her eyes! Okay kids, here’s a little lesson in Photoshop: Jaslene and Natasha have blotchy skin and disturbingly furry hairlines which are easily remedied using technology, but they can’t erase a crow’s foot from the corner of her eye. $%*&^ you Nigel, that is such a cop out. I feel bad for Covergirl trying to use any of the material they taped or shot in a legitimate add campaign. Good luck with that you blood-sucking executive pigs! Sorry, I got a little emotional there.

Once it came down to the Sass and Bide fashion show, I was wrist deep in Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk in an attempt to console my broken heart. Jaslene was the superior walker all season, but this wasn’t exactly a Hansel vs. Derek Zoolander level walk-off. I have to say that both girls were very convincing Cro-Magnon women. But that’s it. The clothes were disappointing, a fur placemat fell off of Natasha at one point and, being helmed by Caridee, the fashion show seemed very amateurish. Remember when the girls walked in real fashion shows in NY and Milan in the early years? Those were the days (tear).

Jaslene won, no surprise, since having a Russian Mail-Order bride as their new spokeswomen might not have appealed to the folks at Covergirl or 17 magazine so much.
Perhaps Jaslene and her one look will have a long fulfilling career as a model; maybe she will be able to do high fashion where other former winners have failed. But probably not. She will probably fade into obscurity like the rest of them. All in all, I’d say that this was a fairly unimaginative season with very little true drama and a series of performances where the models were trying to be ‘not worst’ rather than ‘the best’.

Mr. Jay and his frightening ruffled final outfit symbolized this cycle for me quite succinctly: there was a lot of stuff going on the outside, very little actually fashion or style, and certainly an unmemorable, slightly embarrassing event altogether. Thankfully, those of us North of the border have ‘Canada’s Next Top Model’ to look forward to in only two short weeks. Let the games begin, again. Mr. Jay, fashion robot, better redeem himself without that enormous tranny anchor known as Tyra Banks weighing him down.

A Modest Proposal

2007-05-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

I am of the opinion that should one happen to witness a dog-owner permit said canine to defecate on public property and then fail to dispose of the resulting fecal waste, said witness should be fully sanctioned by law to unleash a vicious spinning heel kick to said dog owner's sixth vertebrae.

The Good, The Bad, And Vin Diesel

2007-05-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend, between tequila induced hangover recovery and Mother's Day festivities I saw Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett in 'Notes On A Scandal'. If anyone wants to see a slightly creepy movie that is nonetheless amazingly acted I would highly recommend it. These two gals are certainly two of the top 5 actresses alive and both were obviously very deserving of their Golden Globe/Academy Award nominations.

The irony of the situation was that I also saw both of these great actresses in other movies yesterday while flicking between baseball games. Cate played the Elf Queen (mostly a mime/voice over performance) or whatever in Lord of the Rings Chapter 34 (which was looping on TBS all weekend fyi) and Judi Dench, also known as Dame Judi Dench! very prim and proper lady, was some sort of teleporting old broad in THE ABSOLUTE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME- 'The Chronicles of Riddick' starring none other than the worst actor of all time- Vin 'The Pacifier' Diesel. For the record, I could watch Cate Blanchett perform a cereal box's list of ingredients as a monologue and be perfectly content.

It became fairly obvious to me that there is a tenuous relationship between an actor making a fantastic movie for all the right reasons (maybe a low-budget independent film) and that same actor selling out for a cushy big budget studio film. I've heard a lot of actors claim that they try to alternate between pet projects and meal tickets, and then there are actors like Samuel L Jackson and Cuba Gooding Jr. who soon decided after Oscar nods that they would simply do every script that fell through their mail slot. Sometimes a job is a job. A lot of times a young actor will get 'hot' and sign a three picture deal with a studio. By the time the third film is produced, said actor has normally been replaced by another 'It' girl or guy and they are forced into rehab in a veiled attempt to revive their career. The third movie ends up being '2 Fast 2 Furious' or something similarly titled.

I'm sure Judi Dench made a good chunk of change on 'Riddick' since it's painfully obvious the production team obviously saved a ton of money on set decoration and wardrobe by re-using the Babylon 5 set and dressing most of the cast in poorly painted Styrofoam armor. She has played more roles in her life than almost any actor alive, so she has enough equity with me to deserve a mulligan or two. For future reference though, working with Vin Diesel anywhere but Mr. Lube is a bad idea.

If there has ever been a movie that so obviously killed a dozen or so careers simultaneously, I would love to see it. The writing alone was so blatantly terrible that it consistently brought out uncomfortable laughter in my brother and I and became all but unwatchable after 5-7 minutes. It blows my mind that there was a time 5 or 6 years ago when Vin Diesel was one of the biggest stars on the planet. I think Britney Spears was famous around the same time. Those were the days.

So what's happened since then? Hopefully the public has become a little more artistically savvy. Maybe we started to demand more out of art/culture/music/entertainment. Maybe the powers that be started giving the audience a little more credit.

Either way, I think we're in a pretty solid era as far as music and film is concerned; art is becoming more universally appreciated and different artistic sub-cultures in or society are starting to intermingle. We're becoming a more stylish bunch for the most part, and even though Nascar is still on television an alarming amount of the time, I feel like we're getting fairly well-rounded as a culture. The key is to make sure that style doesn't completely overwhelm substance. If both can flourish, and we can get some of our planet-killing habits under control, we could probably do okay over the next hundred years or so.

I personally would like to thank Vin Diesel and similarly haired Britney Spears for spurring this movement by being astonishingly bad and lacking any discernible talent.

I'm going to go watch a movie with subtitles now, just because I can.

Friday Musings And Mother's Day

2007-05-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

Brushing your teeth in the bathroom sink at home is a given. But if you’re one of those people who brushes your teeth at work in a very public restroom while other people might be in there doing any number of unmentionable things, is that really sanitary?

Maybe you should just brush in the kitchen sink instead; but then would you offend people eating or otherwise dealing with food, especially when you spit? I’m uncomfortable with both of those options. I think Trident is a safer option in this particular case.

If you’re voted ‘Best Dressed’ in your high-school yearbook, do you secretly wonder if your friends think you’re gay? In a related note, being voted ‘Most Likely To Marry Rich’ is not a compliment.

I played my first game of tennis outside yesterday on Kits Beach and I am hurting in tennis related areas like my ankles, hamstrings, abdominals and wrists. It feels good.

It also makes me uncomfortable that Perez Hilt on continually draws 'drool' coming out of people’s mouths on his blog. I generally don’t enjoy other people spitting or drooling.

Sunday is Mother’s Day! Everyone is the world should thank their mother for being so amazing and doing so much for them. Everyone that is, except Lindsay Lohan. Her Mom is definitely hurting more than helping.

Or how about 19 year-old Evan Rachel Wood’s mom (and her dad for that matter) for letting her date Marilyn Manson and act out sexual scenarios in a music video while covered in buckets of blood? I don’t own the Official Parenting Handbook but I’m pretty sure that’s in there somewhere under the NOT GOOD column.

Thanks for everything and Happy Mother’s Day to my own wonderful mom!

We're Off To See The Models...

2007-05-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

Things are starting to get serious over there in Oz! One girl needed to head home, in coach no doubt, to set up next week’s double episode finale. This week’s episode wasn't all yellow brick road, in fact they had to walk through the forest, Mail Order wore heels, and I simply can’t help but notice some parallels between ANTM and the original Wizard of Oz. In this case, I’m going to cast Natasha as Dorothy. This week she was an easy target and became the helpless victim of attacks from the other girls. Yes, she’s sometimes a little flaky and useful info may get lost in the translation most of the time, but she was sick and Dorothy got knocked on the head before the tornado came, so that's good enough for me.

Dion is the Tin-Man because she doesn’t have a heart. Even when surrounded by the loveable Munchkins, I mean Aboriginal dancers, she was completely uninspiring during the dance challenge and complained over and over to start the episode. If Jay tells you to smile your @$$ off, just do it already!

Jaslene plays the role of the Scarecrow in my interpretation. The Scarecrow is looking for a brain, but it’s also made of twigs and straw and has that really weird voice, similar to Jaslene who needs to search out a pizza buffet to go with that missing brain.

I guess that makes Renee the Cowardly Lion. Renee is my favorite girl, but it’s almost by default now since the rest just aren’t quite the total package. She could use a little dose of courage/humility/respect for other people, but it has become pretty obvious that her bark is far worse than her bite. She actually seemed quite brave when telling her story of abuse during the challenge and because the other performances were so brutal and hers was touching, she won easily.

Since we’re getting down to the end, the prizes keep getting better and the extravagant pearl jewelry was much appreciated. So much so that the girl’s went out for a relatively tame night on the town (considering past episodes of cat fights, girl on girl make-outs, hot-tub hookups, boyfriend cheating, and projectile vomiting) to show off their new bling. Natasha stayed at home and probably continued to give creepy Eskimo kisses to the phone while talking to her even creepier husband.

Soon the photo shoot arrived and Mr. Jay played the Wizard, like usual. When you think about it, Jay is the most important part of the show because he has constant contact with the girl’s week to week. Plus he gives Tyra, the wicked Witch of the West in my interpretation, all of her useful info for judging. At the photo shoot Natasha was really sick and instead of fighting through, totally gave up in front of the camera. She was truly the anti-model. Dion scowled her way through another shoot and Jay had to direct her every step; he was not impressed. Renee killed the shoot with some great shots and Jaslene stuck out her jaw in the same way she does every week but she somehow always manages to be better than at least one other girl. It pretty much went just as I would have expected.

We finally met the rest of the Oz cast at judging: Twiggy is Glenda the Good Witch of course, Nigel has to be Toto, and Ms. Jay is either Tyra’s flying monkey henchmen or one of those long armed creatures from one of the sequels that has wheels for hands and used to scare the @%!$& out of me as a kid. Those ridiculous ruffles are overcoming his face at this point.

Not surprisingly Natasha and Dion were the final two left to be eliminated and Dion had to go, Natasha had way more impressive shoots and challenges along the way, but it was hard to see Dion go even though her attitude continued to suck. Every year there seems to be a girl who should be so great, but can’t get her head into the game. This year that girl was Dion.

Now we’re down to the final three and it will be interesting to see what happens. Next week’s episode will include the coveted Covergirl commercial, meaning that Mail Order or Jaslene has to be eliminated since neither of them speak well. All three girls are good on the runway so it should be really interesting to see how the finale unfolds. I’m still cheering for Renee, but only time, and the Wonderful World of Oz, will tell.

PS-Did anyone notice that 3 of the 4 final contestants this year were mothers! And I guarantee none of them weigh over 115 pounds. That’s crazy.

Everybody Out!

2007-05-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

Here at the office I was neck deep in truly productive work mode when the building alarm went of with a series of rapid beeps. Apparently, rapid beeping, as opposed to a slow, steady alarm, means you have to get out of the building for real. I remember the days of High School where people would pull the fire alarm to get out of a test or presentation, and then false alarms would erupt like an epidemic over the next few days. Any moment outside and not in class was considered a brief vacation and almost universally welcomed by all students unless it was raining and you happened to be stuck in a portable outside.

today, everyone filed into the hallway with the help of our safety volunteers dressed in snazzy reflective vests, and our floor headed down the stairs from our spot on the 19th floor. The ladies in heels had to take their shoes off; a safety measure I assume to avoid broken ankles, etc. There were also a lot of men in suits who appeared to be having a difficult walking down the stairs, let alone the walk up if it would be required. I started to regret doing heavy dead lifts at the gym yesterday.

Very slowly we trickled down the stairs and made our way outside where we all congregated away from the building, in front of the convention center actually. The sun was shining and the weather for an evacuation was pretty much perfect. I rolled up my sleeves and tried to catch some rays.

The interesting thing about the evacuation is that we had a building power down on the weekend. We only knew this because some people were unable to come in on the weekend to pull overtime on the project we're doing. If you were wondering, I avoid overtime like the plague. In fact some people might even describe my working style as 'undertime'.

My coworker Bry has been obsessively watching NY 9/11 conspiracy videos on YouTube lately and apparently the WTC had been powered down recently before the planes hit. In case you're unaware, most of the conspiracy theories contend that the planes could not have taken down the entire buildings and some video evidence purports that a series of explosions similar to a building demolition was actually to blame. I'm just not educated enough on this situation to comment personally, plus it's kind of a sensitive subject which even I'm not going to touch. Feel free to search and watch the vids yourself, there's way mor eof them than you might think.

Either way, that storyline added a little anxiety to the situation, but I'm happy to say that I'm hard at work again (obviously) and didn't have to walk back up those 19 floors. We let the herd head back up and relaxed for an extra few minutes by a melodious, trickling fountain. Now I'm mentally preparing for lunch-time and might have to take a short nap, seeing as how I didn't sleep well last night. By the way, if anything fishy does happen in the next 5 hours, I'd appreciate someone causing a little uproar on my behalf.

Cashing In On Conflict: Sports To Spiderman

2007-05-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, Spiderman 3 brought in 380 million dollars world-wide.

Similarly, the much-heralded boxing match between Oscar De La Hoya and Floyd Mayweather took in 19 million in gate revenue and reached over a million homes via pay-per-view for $54.95 a pop.

Major League Baseball has a 2.5 billion dollar television deal with Fox that expires this year, and a 2.37 billion dollar deal with ESPN though 2013, not even counting the revenue made from ticket sales and merchandise.

Last year, the Tito Ortiz vs. Chuck Liddell UFC title fight had an estimated 1.1 million pay-per-view subscribers, although the UFC doesn't release its actual pay-per-views stats.

The question is, what is the common denominator between these events that allows them to be so lucrative?

The primary element of any plot is conflict. In stories from 'Hansel and Gretel' to 'Memento', characters have had to deal with a conflict and their trials and tribulations combine to create a story's plot. I think that the simpler and more effective a conflict comes across to viewers, the more they will respond and hence, the more profit that will be made.

Sports in general are perfect bundles of conflict. One team wins, the other loses. The game's every inning, period, or quarter is like an act in a play or movie. Momentum swings, and eventually the credits roll with one side left victorious. Depending which team wins, this particular spectacle may be a Comedy or a Tragedy (or both if you're a Cubs fan).

Boxing and MMA events take this simple winner/loser dichotomy and break it down even further. One on one. One loser, one winner. The simpler a conflict or plot, the more emotionally attached the viewer becomes. Pick a favorite, cheer your butt off and win or lose, you are guaranteed to experience an emotional response.

This is why fans hate ties! They expect to be elated or crushed emotionally by the end, and are fine with either, but please don't let it end in a tie or a draw (ya hear that Bud Selig?).

Back to Spiderman. Every year thousands of films are made. Some are amazingly acted, scripted, and designed, but make zero money at the box office and are maybe given recognition by way of a 'Best Adapted Original Screenplay' nomination at the Oscars. Some movies aren't that great, but rake in billions of dollars over their world-wide release. What gives?

I believe that superhero movies like Spiderman, X-Men etc. make a lot of money as a result of the basic nature of their conflict. Sure the plot is multi-leveled and Spidey deals with personal issues involving his own identity and girl-trouble (don't we all!) but in the end, he fights Venom, fights the Green Goblin, and fights the Sandman, and we watch it all and can't wait to come back for more.

A movie with a more subtle conflict/commentary on race relations or some political agenda just cannot supply that same experience.

Great conflict, whether it comes between the Red Sox and Yankees or Mike Tyson and some one's ear, has a profound effect on the viewer for the few hours during the experience, and certainly some hours after. Think about it, movies and sporting events normally gravitate towards a very specific chunk of time (usually between 2-3 hours), over which the plot unfolds, sides are chosen, and the battle commences and ultimately ends.

Conflict, fighting, and sporting all come down to primal instincts, urges, and emotions that very much appeal to the human mind. To live vicariously through these players or fighters, the average person will spend a lot of money to participate and leagues, production companies, actors, players, and fighters all stand to continue to be successful.

These companies deal with, or, to use a metaphor, deal conflict at a set price and guarantee an emotional upper or downer. We're hooked because it appeals to something explicitly primal in our nature, and we will continue to come back for more as long as we live. It is the nature of the beast, and we would have it no other way.

Round one... Ding Ding!

Dust Off The Golf Clubs

2007-05-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

This year's run was a valiant effort put forth by our Vancouver Canucks for the most part. A new coach found himself in a new city where hockey tends to rule supreme and the bandwagon is cushy and inviting one day and lined with cacti the next.

The beginning of the season was rough, all eyes were focused on Vigneault and Luongo to perform, and it seemed like constant criticism, especially involving coach Alain, swirled at all times. I would like to say that he may have had a point with all of the Bulis-scratching early in the season. What a waste of space. I'm sure he's a nice enough guy, but 12 g and 11 a during the regular season and 2 points in the playoffs is not going to cut it.

Everything seemed to fall in place for the Canucks after Christmas as they posted an incredible run of games in rushing to the top of the division. It also helped that teams like Edmonton and Calgary weren't at their best, but for a team that didn't even make the playoffs last year, even squeaking in would have been okay.

The main thing I recognized that was different in the playoffs than in the regular season was the tendency to get a lead early, give it back, and then lose in overtime. It seemed like this was exactly how the Canucks started the season, unsure of themselves and not willing to grind out a victory, but by the end of the season, they were winning most of these games. Apparently, they forgot how to do so against the Ducks.

Luongo is an amazing goalie, and if the Canucks could have had anyone get hot or received a few lucky bounces, they might have even beaten a superior team like the Ducks and snuck into the next round. But, it was not meant to be this year and like every year, the off season will be full of speculation and second-guessing.

It was a fun ride, and I'm sure most people used their car horns more in the last month than they had in the last few years combined. It was funny to stand outside downtown during a game and hear yelps of excitement or disgust come from different apartment windows simultaneously. This is one way that professional sports can really make a city bond for a common goal. It's sad that some people probably would have taken advantage of this and rioted whether following a victory or a loss, but I'm willing to say that none of those people live downtown or would knock over a mailbox in their own neighbourhood. It might take the city a few days to recover from watching their team play above their level for so long, and eventually crash back down to earth, but it is all part of the game.

I think the Sedins are for real, even though the slap-pass goal was missing during this playoff run. Unfortunately, it just became too easy for teams to focus on the twins and shut down the entire offense. Naslund picked it up a little too late, but it's very obvious that he is not the same player who used to score 40-50 goals a season. If the Canucks keep things relatively unchanged in the off season, they may very well ride Luongo to another competitive year next season, but to truly make Vancouverites happy and make a serious playoff push, they have to add at least one more pure scorer and a top free agent defenseman. Bad penalties are becoming the game breaker in this new NHL and Vancouver took more than its share during these playoffs.

Hopefully everyone will have a great summer and feel good about their accomplishments. Maybe Vigneault or Luongo can win an award to end the season on a high note, but I'm happy to say that for a rebuilding year I think the Canucks did pretty well and I was happy to be a small part of it. Yay for the Canucks; women and children first off of the bandwagon please!

But then again, what do I know? I'm a baseball fan. Go Yankees!

Go-See Gong Show

2007-05-03T09:29:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, the go-see challenge episode is always one of my favorites during any ANTM cycle. It basically answers the question: What do you get when you send a handful of wanna-be models around a foreign city for the afternoon? The answer is invariably: At least 15 minutes of freak outs, language barrier frustrations, and utter confusion.

This weeks episode was no different. Even though the girls were in an English speaking country, as opposed to the cycles past in Spain or Thailand, they more than managed to have their difficulties. Renee traipsed around like a pro, but later got criticism for being too 'commercial'. The judges later said that she had the opportunity to make the most money out of all of the girls, which I think they meant as a complement, but an exotic dancer out-earns most of these girl's careers with a 7 minute lap dance.

Jaslene continued to defy the odds of the universe by doing really well. Most of the designers said they would book her, but there's something about her excruciatingly thin body being complimented that makes me uneasy. You can't argue with the photos she pulls off though. Jay Leno's chin has never looked so good.

Dion was next to arrive back at Priscilla's Agency and other than the brutal social blunder of continually asking for free clothes, she was okay. Dion seems to have realized that she can't possibly win the competition, so she's trying to milk the situation for all its worth. I've gotta respect that. You know she's the girl who hordes pocketfuls of jam and napkins and ketchup and gum and chocolate covered raisins from craft services during the show.

This is when things started to get interesting. Natasha is late by a minute, pouts with those very poutable lips and waits outside. Then Britney shows up and doesn't even check in before railing away at the heavens with screams and yelps and curse words easily audible inside. It would have been really easy for someone to go outside and shush them, but the drama was too precious for the girls inside to not take the opportunity to throw their friend to the slaughter. The looks on everyone's faces were classically awkward.

You'd think that Britney's difficulty with short term memory might have helped her forget about being late and get over it, but no dice. What I can't understand is why she walked to the last meeting but asked the cab driver to meet her there? What? Wouldn't it have made more sense to stick with the cabbie if you expect him to eventually go exactly where you're going? That's moronic.

Jaslene won her first challenge as a result of the go-see debacle and took Dion high onto a vertigo inspiring bridge to shoot with Nigel and, as far as prizes and adventure goes, this one hit a pretty low note and was over before it began. They should have made them fight to the death or something 'Bloodsport' style.

The final photos were designed to chow the difference between taking a women's fashion shot and a men's mag spread. Tyra, ever the humble host, took the first photo, and some random guy whose name escapes me took the last. Either way the girls shot with boys (always a treat I'm sure) in the freezing cold water. As the boys experienced 'shrinkage' the girls went through 'shakage' but managed to get through the shoots relatively unscathed. All of the photos turned out pretty well, with Dion being the weakest as a result of trying to mean-mug the camera like it was 50 cent.

Judging arrived and was pretty harsh. Britney was served up as the overly emotional girl who takes great pictures but impressed no one on the go sees in person. You had to feel like she had it coming though after making so many excuses throughout the season so far.

Dion was told repeatedly that she looks mean and needs to soften up a bit, and it became obvious that these two would be the left at the end. You can normally pick out who thinks they're going home by the 'smiling while holding back tears' face.

In the real world if you don't book a job you just don't hear back and eventually forget about it. In ANTM world you get verbally lambasted by an aging stick figure, a guest judge, a tranny, (make that two trannys) and a pompous male model. Ouch! But did anyone see how brutal Britney's walk was? That's something we haven't seen much of this cycle so far, and walking without looking like an idiot is important in real life too, not to mention modeling.

Finally, Dion heard Tyra say her name, assuring her another week's stay in Oz with the rest of the dysfunctional family. But it will take a serious melt-down from one of the other girls to help her make the final 3. I still think Renee is the front runner, whether she's too commercial or not. Wouldn't they rather see a winner get some work other than just the prize spread and a Covergirl ad? If Renee falters, Speedy Gonzales and every one's favorite Mail-Order Mama are waiting in the wings to steal the spotlight. Welcome to modeling crunch time.

Canucks, Cigarettes and Urban Landscaping!

2007-05-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Wednesday! I don't know about you , but I can't help think that the cumulative disappointment of this fair city after last night's disturbing Canuck collapse has somehow affected the weather.

Doesn't the gloom perfectly reflect that cloud of concern that formed after the first Duck goal? Doesn't the wind remind you of how breathless the tying goal left us, exasperated at the lighting of the red lamp? And the rain, how can we forget the rain as a symbol of the tearful tide let loose to drown out what may have been a sea of honking delight? Alas, it was not to be. My left sock is wet at the ankle, and I am dismayed.

The really sad thing is that once hockey is done, which may be painfully soon, there really isn't anything fantastic sport-wise to watch in Vancouver. I'm not exactly holding my breath until the CFL season starts either. Which is why I think we should have a Major League Baseball team.

Just throwing it out there.

Again.

Because it's a good idea.

The stadium could probably serve double duty for the BC Lions too, which would be nice. Then BC place, imploding roof and all, could finally fully commit to becoming the world's best place for car shows, anime festivals, and sci-fi channel conventions.

On a totally unrelated train of thought: Why don't more buildings have grassy park-like areas on their roofs? Sitting up here in the office, all I can see are flat roofs of puddled water with random protruding fans, vents, and piping. Not aesthetically pleasing to say the least.

There has to be a way we can beautify them, and, in doing so, make the world a better place. I'm thinking a gazebo or a koi pond, waterfall, Banzai tree, swing set, herb garden, sandbox with a bright yellow Tonka Truck excavator, or even one of those pigs you can ride that sits on a huge wobbling spring. There is no shortage of options.

How much more productive would a huge company be if their employees could take a break, head upstairs and breathe fresh air as birds chirp in blossoming trees while fairies and leprechauns perform a particularly inspiring chorus of Kumbaya? Okay maybe not the last part, but you get my drift.

And no smoking out there for you raspy voiced lung-polluters! For you, we'll design a room no bigger than a phone booth with razor-blade lined walls and gasoline lightly misting through the air and see if that method works slightly better than Nicorette. My money is on the razor-blades. Hmm, that might also be a convenient place for some Canucks to spend their off season.

May Day! May Day!

2007-05-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to May! Today (1st) is May Day and Mother Goose Day. This month is also home to such holidays as Cinco de Mayo (5th), Mother's Day (13th), and of course the May Long Weekend or Memorial Day in the US. It also happens to be one month until June 1st which is the date I set for myself to be in summer shape. Hopefully by then I'll be well on my way to a great LSAT score and the sun will be big and bursting in the sky.

The good news is that May is 5 weeks long so there's still time left; the bad news for a lot of people is that they haven't thought about Health and Fitness for a while. At the beginning of April I took a body composition test at Fitness World and I've been doing a pretty consistent routine ever since, so I'm interested to do another test and compare the results.

For anyone looking for a work out to get the most out of the next 5 weeks and get your body closer to beach ready, here are a couple links courtesy of Men's Health.

This link is pretty much every work out plan they've ever featured:
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/contentlist.do?site=MensHealth&channel=fitness&category=workout.plans&type=article

This workout has some moves you've never done before and uses whole body moves to burn calories and ignite your metabolism:
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=fitness&category=workout.plans&conitem=7537d07aa526b010VgnVCM200000cee793cd____

This workout is another designed to burn off the belly:
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=fitness&category=workout.plans&conitem=d104b9a8a9087010VgnVCM100000cfe793cd____

Finally, this one challenges you to lose those last ten pounds and approach Brad Pitt in Fight Club style bodyfat percentage:
http://www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=MensHealth&channel=fitness&category=workout.plans&conitem=3cc3f541ef402110VgnVCM20000012281eac____

Whatever you're doing at the gym is better than doing nothing at all, but to tweak your routine to burn more fat is really as easy as doing your present routine as a circuit with little or not rest between exercises until the circuit is complete. This will keep your heart rate up and boost your metabolism.

It's also important to do exercises like squats or pull-ups which recruit a lot of different muscles, rather than just bicep curls which is a very isolated muscle. Just last week I cut my rest between sets by 30 seconds and my workout became a lot more difficult, not to mention the fact that it saves me 15 minutes at the gym.

I'm not an expert by any means, so I should probably put a disclaimer about not undertaking a new program without talking to your doctor or something. The best thing about working hard before the summer starts is that once the sun is out for good, you can actually enjoy it by doing yoga, playing catch, Frisbee, flag football, kayaking, jogging, tandem biking, mountain climbing, zip-lining, roller blading, skateboarding, playing volleyball, basketball, beer-league softball, or golf and not be stuck in the gym for 2 hours a day. Get ready to get outside!

My Foot Hurts

2007-04-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the amount of emergency room visits spikes after a great weekend like the one that just passed. In trying to make the most of the sunny afternoon on Saturday, I'm now afflicted with an acute injury as a result of a wee jaunt on the seawall. I may have deked out one more unsuspecting tourist than I should have, because my left heel feels bruised or strained. How many poor saps were involved in a freak kayak paddle or tandem bike accident? And why do people feel the need to stretch across the seawall like paper dolls anyway?

Sunday, we went to the Mariners game to see a genuine MLB cripple fight with Kansas City in town. Ballpark Hot Dogs and gruesomely loaded nachos were eaten, beer was consumed, and shoulders were strained throwing 8 balls for 2 dollars at the radar gun. I took my glove, but didn't snag any foul balls, unfortunately. By the game's end, the sun was warm on our faces and the Mariners won 5-1 with a few big hits and diving plays mixed in. A very good day at the Church of Baseball which really reminded me how much I miss playing. You just can't strike someone out with a knee buckling curve ball or blow a high fastball by anyone in golf, great sport that it may be.

The only annoying aspect of the trip was driving the 3 hours down and back, although on the way home I sliced the silver bullet through traffic like a scalpel and the Canadian customs agents ushered us quickly over the border with welcoming arms. The almost full day of sitting down was pretty difficult on the lower half though.

Maybe one day we'll have major League Baseball in Vancouver. I think a waterfront stadium where home runs can land in the ocean with a backdrop of the mountains and a bridge would be amazing. Who wouldn't want to spend an afternoon at the ballpark? I'm planning to do a lot more Safeco Stadium 'research' throughout the summer, so I'll let you know how it goes.

It's The Weekend!

2007-04-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, well. Here we find ourselves on Friday morning. That makes me happy. It's almost the weekend. Yay!

I had an invigorating walk to work today in the rain and soon found out there was no green tea in the office kitchen, but that is okay, because it is almost the weekend (keep that in mind) and I’m in a great mood. A coworker just informed me that the kitchen one floor up will have green tea, but that might require a little more effort than I’m willing to expend at the moment.

I have a tall glass of water though, and that is perfectly cool and refreshing on my lips. Perhaps I’ll just sprinkle a little dirt from this shimmering green leafed potted plant here into my glass and imagine it’s actually green tea. It's a very healthy looking plant, but I doubt it would contain the same antioxidant benefits.

Since we have started a new, ‘high priority’ (their words) project here at the office expected to last a week or more, we have had a spy (and by that I mean a legitimate employee who I feel bad blogging and checking fantasy baseball/myspace/facebook etc. in front of) here in the boardroom. Therefore, I must be brief. They are also nicely requesting that we come in for overtime on the weekend, suggesting full days on Saturday or Sunday or both. Please try to imagine how hard I laughed in response, and then multiply by 3 and you will be close.

Really the only thing pressing on my mind is whether or not to shave today. I feel like the facial hair experiment round 2, while priving ultimately successful, may have to be put on the back burner for a while. I have a terribly complicated life right now it’s true. I’m happy; it’s the weekend. Who could ask for anything more?

I Hate Recap Shows!

2007-04-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

As a lot of you might know, America's Next Top Model last night was one of their 'recap' episodes where they show you 'never before seen footage' and blah, blah, blah! Tyra and company must think they're pretty smart sitting up there in the CW:

Tyra: I'm really too tired to film another episode this week; this weave is so heavy my neck is sore.

Ms. Jay: Your neck is sore? I have enough ruffles on this shirt to outfit Barnum and Bailey. I can barely breathe!

Nigel: Well... (grins, leans back in his chair) I don't really have much going on right now so I'm good either way. (insert Blue Steel)

Twiggy: (under her breath) Give me a break, you models have it so easy. I went to go sees in the 60's when Chanel was at the top of a mountain, snowing, in stilettos, uphill both ways...

Mr. Jay: Beep Beep Boop! I... am... a... fashion... robot... I... am... not... tired... please repaint my hair. Bing Bong!

Tyra: I know what we can do, let's take all of that useless, repetitive cutting room floor stuff and make an extra episode out of it!

Nigel: Won't that be a total waste of time for the viewers who don't care about the girls who got kicked off already?

Tyra: I mean yes, but the viewer will look like this, disappointment (makes face) and we'll tell them it's a secrets/scandals/drama show with 'never seen before footage' and they'll make this 'model' disappointment face (makes similar if not identical face) instead. See the difference, not pretty, pretty.

Twiggy: Won't our viewers know that if we didn't put these parts in the show the first time around, they're probably not that great?

Tyra: Come on, they're watching an amateur model competition on television aren't they?

Ms. Jay: Touche, girl.

Nigel: You really have all the answers Tyra, no wonder you have your own talk show. I mean, splicing all of those shots of Sydney and the Amphitheater with actual 'outback footage' shot here in Albuquerque, New Mexico; pure genius.

Tyra: Kangaroo rental is way cheaper than six plane tickets. With any luck, this will by the most profitable year ever for Ty Ty Baby Productions. Especially since I pay Mr. Jay in WD-40 and the chance to host Canada's Next Top Model.

Mr. Jay: Thanks Tyra! Beep Boop!

Twiggy: They have models in Canada? Do they have to fight polar bears in any of the challenges? I'd watch that episode!

Little Bit Of This...

2007-04-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

While walking to work I was preoccupied by finding a metaphor to describe Vancouver's weather this morning. In case you weren't outside during this particular precipitation phenomena, it was the very light sprinkle/mist that is prickly and cold on your skin, but kind of comforting at the same time and not hard or wet enough to warrant the use of an umbrella.

After painstaking deliberation I decided that it was like a casual mid-conversation spit in the face by your best friend, which is slightly shocking at first but you smile through and ignore it. Then you say, 'Oh Vancouver, I'll forgive you for that because you're so fantastic the rest of the time!' and give it a friendly punch in the shoulder.

For those of you playing along at home, that ended up being a simile rather than a metaphor.

I've decided to throw some video links down here to help you through the day as well, enjoy!

This one is German baby polar bear Knut, note the ridiculous theme song to 'Dallas' in the intro, interesting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZLKb_5S21E

This is the famous Will Ferrell 'Landlord Skit', there's something about a wobbling drunken three year-old that makes me laugh out loud. Is that weird?
http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925

This is a strangely funny/pessimistic creative video with stick drawings; try to figure out how he does it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hfl9e53LX_U

This is Neko Case's 'Deep Red Bells' I'm on a little singer/songwriter folk music kick and this song is perfectly haunting.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eboVW4SXZdQ

This is a clip of Author/Essayist/funny guy David Sedaris on Letterman; I saw him read at the Guthrie Theatre in Minnesota and have been a fan ever since.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBdymtyXt8Y

Finally, for the sports fan out there, a little montage of Reggie Bush at USC, remember kids: Speed Kills!
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1894956191

Moms On The Bag!

2007-04-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I played a swell round of golf out at UBC over the weekend, puttering around in the cart, guzzling the occasional beer, hacking the ball out of the bunker, you know, the usual. For the first 9 holes we were joined by a father and son. A few things soon became clear:

-there was a youth tournament the next day and a lot of competitors were playing a practice round (this we could tell by the number of 13 year-olds checking their putts from 13 different angles before knocking it in)

-this particular father was very involved in his son's future career on tour (this we ascertained from the gentle way he snapped a 3w over his son's exposed calf after a shot into the water hazard on 10)

Truthfully, the dad was quite polite, and the son, who we found out was 12, was really shy until Kevin and I continuously oohed and aahed over his shots to the point where he started to open up and even get a little cocky. Did I mention that if he played the entire round with us he would've certainly beaten us by 20 strokes? Humbling. At least I out drove him by an average of 4 yards! Geez.

The funniest part of the day for me was realizing that while we were playing with a dad, there was a mom taking her two sons around the course in the group ahead of us.

Now, I'd like to note that my dad has always been my baseball coach and given me golf tips, whether solicited or not, and my mom was very involved in my baseball and was well known in my youth for shrieking 'Yes!' every time I threw a strike. This is made even more humorous by the fact that from ages 12-14 I was consistently striking out most of the hitters I faced, and therefore, her voice was constantly echoing around the ballpark.

All of this aside, I could not imagine my mom following me around as a caddie on the golf course. This particular mom was wearing a bright red shirt that tended to glow like a homing beacon from the green we were approaching, and she was consistently the last person to straggle off while we were patiently waiting to hit. Every once and a while you could tell she was saying something critical by the way one of her son's shoulders would droop his shoulders and slink off to the next hole.

To truly get the feeling of what it might be like for a 13 year old boy to drag around the course with his mom in his ear (and not even carrying his bag, mind you) I would like you to imagine the following lines as spoken by your mother as she slowly grows more impatient and tired as the day progresses. Please also imagine that you are neck deep in an awkward pubescent state, if only for comic effect.

Great shot, Honey!

Oh, I'm pretty sure your upper half got in front of your lower half there.

Nice putt sweetheart! Perfect!

Yes!

You stop right now and tie that shoe before you fall and break your neck!

Sweetie, you towel is dragging on the ground!

What are you doing? Keep your bloody head down!

Did you brush your teeth this morning?

Didn't I tell you laying up was the right shot there? But no, mom doesn't know anything. Don't listen to your mom, she's a total idiot who doesn't know what she's talking about right? I made you breakfast today. I washed your lucky golf shirt at 11 o'clock last night, and what do I get? The pleasure of watching you hit the ball into the drink for a two stroke penalty and lose the tournament because you're too damn stubborn to listen to me! Well, thank you very much, you can clean your own room and do your own laundry and cook your own meals from now on! (Sheesh)

and finally, the classic line:

Don't forget to wash your balls before you play with them!

Shocking, I know. Especially when spoken in that motherly (slightly nagging) tone. I don't know if golf and moms can mix unless your mom happens to be Annika Sorenstam. I do know, however, that there are a lot of single moms and dads out there devoting as much time to their kids as possible, including hauling them to and from hockey practice at ridiculous hours. So a salute to parents who support their kids in all their endeavors, athletic or otherwise, and please don't forget that Mother's Day is Sunday May13th this year. Otherwise, you will never hear the end of it!

Happy Belated Earth Day!

2007-04-23T11:37:00.000-07:00

Here we are on Monday, the glorious sun is shining and I'm 90% over my cold. Yesterday, as you may know, was Earth day, and while one day a year may not seem like much, it's a start.

Seriously though, we live on this planet and so far haven't figured out how to do much other than exploit it. I feel like the Green movement has been really picking up speed in the last year, what with Al Gore and the Oscars and Britney shaving her head to conserve shampoo. What do you mean that wasn't why? She's a what? Never mind then. Anyhow, I challenge everyone to try to do a little something to help out.

My worst habits are definitely turning on lights and forgetting to turn them off and keeping the water running while I brush my teeth; plus, I tend to keep my stretch Hummer idling in the driveway longer than I should. Let's not even mention the huge rubber tire bonfire parties I throw during the summer. However, yesterday, without even realizing it was Earth Day, I took out the garbage and separated the recycling, so I figure I'm good for the month at least.

If you're not sure how to make even the slightest difference, here's a list of 50 things you can do to help, courtesy of the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation. Pick out 5 and you'll be karmically rewarded ten-fold, I promise.

50 EARTH DAY TIPS!

AT HOME!

In the kitchen:

Set the refrigerator temperature between 38 F and 42 F.
Set the freezer temperature between O F and 5 F.
Microwave whenever you can.
Don't wash dishes with the water running.

In the dining room:

Use napkin rings and cloth napkins.
Use washable plates, cups and silverware.
Serve condiments from recyclable containers.
Provide personal glasses for soft drinks.

In the laundry:

Wash and dry only full loads.
Wash with warm water instead of hot.
Rinse with cold water instead of warm.
Hang wash out to dry.

In the bathroom:

Shut off the sink while brushing your teeth.
Shut off the shower while soaping or scrubbing.
Install a low-flow shower head.
Reduce the volume of water in your toilet tank.

In the living room:

Switch off unnecessary lights.
Dress warm: don't turn up the furnace.
Dress cool: don't turn on the air conditioner.
Raise shades on winter days; lower them in summer.
Reverse your fans for summer and winter operations as recommended.

In the yard:

Compost leaves and grass clippings.
Avoid pesticides, use nontoxic alternatives.
Apply only as much fertilizer as the lawn needs.
Water the grass early in the morning.
Plant a tree.

In the garage:

Recycle motor oil, antifreeze and car batteries.

AWAY FROM HOME

In the car:

Drive at the speed limit.
Avoid sudden starts or stops.
Don't overfill the fuel tank.
Check the tire pressure monthly.
Change air and oil filters regularly.

At the store:

Don't buy over packaged items.
Choose products in reusable and/or recyclable containers.
Buy concentrated cleaners and detergents.
Return empty bottles and cans for deposit.
Bring your own string bag or cloth tote.

At work:

Send electronic copies whenever possible.
Copy reports and memos on both sides.
Circulate rather than copy paperwork.
Reuse tubes and envelopes for mailing.
Recycle.

At play:

Carry out what you carry in.
Hike, row, sail, ski or paddle - don't motor.
Build campfires with care.
Observe, don't disturb wildlife and plant life.
Share books, cassettes, magazines and videotapes with friends, hospitals and prisons.

At school:

Copy bulletins and exams on two sides, make notes and drafts on scrap paper.
Reuse textbooks and school supplies.
Serve reusable trays, dishes and silverware.
Compost cafeteria vegetable wastes.
Recycle!

Some tips are straight forward, some I have no idea how they affect the environment. Either way, I'm totally willing to trust the experts on this one. Plus, I'm sure if they needed a run-down on the latest episode of ANTM, they'd return the favor. Happy belated birthday Earth!

PS- Go Canucks! No I mean it, please win. It's good for the economy and city morale. I realize Dallas has an economy and all that good stuff too, but Dallas is in Texas, and I live here, so I don't give a flying @&^$#* about Dallas or the Stars! Go Nucks!

Sick!

2007-04-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood but I am sick! It seems like every person I've been around in the last two weeks has been coughing, sniffling, sneezing and however the rest of that NyQuil commercial goes. My immune system put up a good fight, but alas, I am legitimately sick today.

I barely ever get sick, but when I do, it seems like I get it pretty good. It tends to work into a full blown sinus infection and when I move my head, the pressure explodes in sloshes of pain.

As we speak, my nose is running and I want to blow it but I have to finish typing... sorry couldn't do it.

Blowing my nose is one of my biggest pet peeves. I am embarrassed to do it in public and disgusted to witness someone doing the same. Oh well, that's life I guess. Pardon today's short blog but my head is full of congestion rather than witticism today, have a great weekend everyone. Play a round of golf for me if you can.

Put Anotha Model On The Barbie!

2007-04-19T09:21:00.000-07:00

For those of you out there who are not huge fans of neutrals, khaki, or the general 'Safari' look, you are out of luck because this year the last 6 ANTM contestants are down under in Sydney, Australia! I felt like Bob Barker there for a moment, 'this part of the showcase showdown is... a trip down undaa!!!'

How hilarious was Mail-Order-Bride's delayed response to the news? The other girls yell and jump up and down for a moment and only then does she realize what's going on and starts to scream as well. I was sure that the Kangaroo they brought in was going to unleash a thundering kick at some point and launch Jaslene into the wall, or even mount Tyra in that ridiculous suit.

I'm not actually convinced Mail-Order knew what was happening; it reminded me of the time when Jael was pushed in the pool and Natasha jumped in afterwards. She might have thought the dog-paddle and then ear-splitting screaming were part of the day's challenge. Let's just hope that no one gets hit by a car because she might try to win the challenge and take on the grill of a bus.

Oh wait... Britney's already done that! I knew it would only be a matter of time before some one's disease/issue reared its head. The casting directors must have worked extra hard to find this girl whose head trauma seriously limits her short term memory. Every time I hear her tell the story I am embarrassed for her because you can tell that everyone is trying not to laugh as she tears up. It would have been easier if she was a leper and dropping body parts randomly around the house. I can imagine Jaslene: "Brittaneeeee, you ear lobe is on the kitchen counter, mamacita!"

The Australia trip also coincided with an episode entirely based on being a spokesperson for Covergirl. This commercial has been make or break for a lot of girls in the past, and always proves that looks are not always accompanied by fantastic personalities. At least this year no one unleashed a profanity laced tirade like Jade in cycle 6. This was also the first episode where none of the mommas mentioned missing their kids. I guess a lavish trip across the world tends to be a distraction.

The first challenge involving conducting random street interviews while dropping Aussie slang was torturous to watch. Most of the girls have more than enough difficulty with standard American English/slang without having to enlarge their vocabulary on the spot. Either way, Renee and Natasha were the best by far, and they then had to wait until judging to find out who would be a Tyra correspondent.

The Covergirl commercial subbed for the photo shoot and most girls butchered the lines and used cue-cards. I'm always surprised how they can even piece together a decent commercial at judging from the usable bits. I do like how Renee went for it and did the Steve Irwin shtick; she had the best read and energy by far. I still think she's going to win, and I tend to be eerily accurate with my predictions, so we'll see.

Britney struggled because of her head trauma and couldn't even manage to read the cards and give a line, which kind of legitimizes her complaint. It's always tough to look pretty while crying, and she proved that in spades. If she was stressing, crying, and still had that nappy red weave, I might have been forced to change the channel.

Jaslene had two accents fighting each other for supremacy inside her mouth but even they couldn't distract us from her concentrating gremlin-faced frown. Not lovely! Drag queen always wins those battles. Jael then proved that she has the on-camera personality of a tranquilized DMV clerk. Her voice is as pleasant as a thumb in the eye.

Judging arrived, with Aussie model and former Australian ANTM host Erika Heynatz serving as the alternate judge. Again, Ms. Jay had added a hideous ruffle to his shirt. I really hope he does something a little more tasteful next year, I keep waiting for him to burst into one of Falstaff's soliloquies. Now that would be television! An enormous, rail-thin black man-diva doing Shakespeare; does anyone know the phone number for series development at FOX?

Judging came down to Jael and Brittany which was not a surprise, with Jael being sent packing. I always knew this episode would be the end of her, and lo and behold, she couldn't stick around. Getting sent home after those few days in Australia must be a huge burn.

Natasha ended up being named The Tyra Show's new correspondent (really?). I was shocked, but it might be because they know she can't actually win the competition. Natasha did manage to drop a lot of Aussie slang during the challenge while being totally unintelligible otherwise. Oh Mail-Order! Your love affair with American Television will not end after ANTM and the world is a better place as a result.

Next week is the go-see episode, always good for a stress-induced breakdown while the girls try to navigate foreign streets. Even though people do speak English down under, these girls are a motley enough crew to really struggle even without the language barrier, and you know what that means: constant hilarity for us viewers, and masses of material for me.

Studying, circa 2007

2007-04-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Studying has never truly been my forte throughout my scholastic career. In high school I just figured that if I didn't get something the first time around, then it probably wasn't important. A lot of times I was right, but in certain cases where I knew I would be out of luck without rigorous review, I relented, and mostly reread notes and textbooks. This was made a lot easier by the fact that I'm a very speedy reader. In my opinion, basic reading skills are some of the most underrated academically. In all of my experience, the faster you read, the more time you have left to think.

In college, I had relatively few tests at all except for classes like Spanish or certain requirements. The majority of my courses involved critical essays on Literature or Creative Writing projects. I do recall a particularly difficult weekend where I reread 7 of Shakespeare's Histories and Tragedies in two nights of cramming, but even that was relatively fun because I was reading something more entertaining than 'Basic Theories in Accounting'. The closest I got to pulling a true all-nighter was starting a 5 page paper (my bread and butter) around 5am. By 8am it was completely unintelligible and I had to sleep for two hours before a quick pre-deadline edit. Now, as I try to get into the right head space to study for the LSAT, I almost feel like I'm sympathy studying for everyone I know in University right now. There are a lot of you:

You're easily picked out of a crowd because the dark circles under your eyes make you look like you passed out and took a header into the edge of a desk or one of your monstrous texts.

You have spine-withering book bags/backpacks and scurry from library to dorm and back like lizards fearing birds of prey.

Your breath smells faintly like Ramen and you are doing your best impression of Johnny Depp starring as 'Edward Highliterhands'.

Two days ago, as I started and finished a practice LSAT in my bedroom, I was less than confident. Granted, I put a lot of pressure on myself, but there was a great deal of doubt in my mind as to whether I could even remember how to get back into the flow after so long. Scholastic focus was a foreign concept at that point.

Thankfully, after a really great study session last night, not surprisingly located out of the range of a TV or computer, I felt like some of the accrued dust was falling from my brain. I made significant headway in the Logic Games Section specifically. Torturous nuggets such as these:

A zoo curator is selecting animals to import for the zoo's annual summer exhibit. Exactly one male and one female of each of the following types of animal are available: hippo, llama, monkey, ostrich, panther. The following restrictions apply:

If no panthers are selected, then both ostriches must be selected. A male panther cannot be selected unless a female llama is selected. If a male monkey is selected, then neither a female ostrich nor a female panther may be selected. At least one hippo must be selected. Ummm, I beg your pardon? I caught something about a monkey?

will be the bane of my existence until June 11th, I'm sure, but I plan to slowly dominate them in a practice set-based war of attrition. I will domesticate these sharp-toothed beasts and ride them in a lavish parade by Canada Day (or Independence Day for those of you south of the border).

The mind is a muscle that has to be flexed regularly to keep it fit, and the more you use your brain in your youth, the more likely it is to be around when you're trying to remember the names of your grand kids down the road. So to everyone writing finals this month, good luck! Feel free to blow some brain cells with well-timed bouts of post-final binge drinking, but remember to keep that mind limber over the summer; even if it is only through reading InTouch at the beach, doing a celebrity crossword in People, or counting calories at the supermarket. It will all be over soon, until next year of course.

Virginia Tech Massacre

2007-04-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

At this time yesterday, gunman Cho-Seung Hui was armed with two handguns and in the process of killing 32 people, and finally himself, at Virginia Tech. By now, the media coverage has been overwhelming and surely most people have heard some account of events that day. At present, it is believed that 2 victims were killed in a campus dormitory and then 30 more victims were killed and more wounded as the gunman opened fire in a classroom.

First, I'd like to offer my condolences to the families of the victims and everyone at Virginia Tech who have to deal with the repercussions of this event into the future. Second, I'd like to make some personal observations:

In Las Vegas last fall, a few of us went to a shooting range one afternoon. I shot a pump-action shotgun, 9mm pistol, and a 47 magnum handgun. The rush you get while wielding such a powerful instrument of death is indescribable. It was exhilarating, sobering, and scared the @#$*& out of me. Pulling the trigger and unleashing an aimed projectile with the ability to take another person's lilfe was way too easy. Afterwards, I truly thought that they should treat drug addicts with a membership to a gun club, thereby replacing one high with another, because I was certain the rush I experienced was just as powerful. I also gained a new respect for police officers and anyone who has to bear arms daily, it is a huge responsibility that cannot be taken lightly.

These two points lay at the crux of America's gun issue: the so-called right to bear arms, and the ability of present gun laws to keep the weapons in the hands of responsible users. I believe the former is an archaic piece of history that has become more than obsolete in present times, and the attempt to secure the latter is failing miserably. Both guns used in the Virginia Tech shootings were handguns, not guns meant to hunt Elk, Buffalo, or Pheasants. These guns were designed to kill human beings and have been doing a fantastic job ever since the invention of the revolver in 1818.

I can't help but think back to Michael Moore's 'Bowling For Columbine', the gun control documentary which closely followed what will now go down as the second worst school massacre in America's history (at least until the next tragedy unfolds). In one scene, Moore gets a gun given to him as a gift for signing up for a bank account and then proceeds to go buy ammunition from the local Wal-Mart. Within minutes, he has all of the equipment necessary to begin a rampage of his own.

In New York last year (pop. 8 million) there were at least 579 homicides involving firearms. In Britain (pop. 53 million) there were only 46. I'm no math whiz, but something must be going on here. In Britain, handguns are completely illegal, to the point that the country's Olympic shooting team has to practice outside of the country. This connection is not coincidental. Tougher gun laws, punishments and restrictions would, quite simply, save lives. I am appalled, but not surprised, at the US government's apparent total disregard for innocent human life. Then again, how many US citizens have already died in the war effort over the last 4-5 years? Well, the answer is 3309 plus over 24000 wounded and you can bet that bullets are to blame for a large percentage of that damage.

I am dismayed that people are being shot so regularly, even in the Lower Mainland so far this year where it once seemed like someone was shot almost every weekend as this year began. The saddest thing is that nothing seems to be changing in the minds of the people who were elected by a democracy to represent their best interests. Personally, I believe that it is in every one's best interest to be free from the fear of being shot and killed, don't you?

I would also like to mention how appalled I am that the first news report of the massacre I read yesterday morning had the audacity to say that a link to terrorism had neither been confirmed nor denied at that time. Terrorism is defined as acts that promote fear, and more than enough of those acts are happening every day here in North America without the influence of a stereo-typed bearded villain. For all of our sake, I truly hope that we can one day look back at this particular time in our history as one that significantly altered both foreign and domestic policy regarding guns, violence, and hatred.

Wet and Wild Weekend

2007-04-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

I successfully completed most of the weekend tasks I outlined on Friday including dinner at Jules French Bistro (I highly recommend it), the SFU Art Show, the Burlesque Beauties @ Bar None, and a round of golf with my Dad on Sunday. It felt good to get out and play my first full round of the year, but there were a few holes where I took the scenic route involving short jaunts into the forest and the beach respectively. The best part was that it distracted me from thinking about the watery mess that had me running on 5ish hours of sleep. The second best part was the perfect 3W I hit to within 15 feet from 217 yards out on the par 5 18th. I don't normally do that.

For those of you unaware with the impromptu home renovations going on this weekend, let me educate you. After a fairly casual night out on Saturday, I fell asleep around 3am. 3 short hours later I awoke to the sound of a jackhammer (I can only assume) above my head. The next sound was that of a tropical rainstorm erupting onto my ceiling. Soon, the fire alarm blared and there were thin streams of water coursing down the hallway wall. After walking down 17 flights of stairs, and seeing a bunch of other bleary eyed zombies/residents milling aimlessly around the lobby, word slowly spread that a hot water heating pipe exploded in the apartment directly above us.

After a long walk back up the 17 flights of stairs, which I tackled with only a slight burning in my quads, (thanks Fitness World) towels were applied to the base of a few walls and I tried to fall back asleep. Eventually, a scraggly man who resembled Danny Devito as 'the Penguin' came in with a monstrous vacuum to extract the water. When I returned from golfing, a good portion of my carpet was torn up, my bedroom door and closet doors were removed and all of my clothes were laying on the bed. Fantastic. Today a few industrial blow dryers (like the kind Beyonce uses on her hair, I assume) are being brought in to aid in the drying process. Hopefully, this debacle will be dealt with shortly because I've now discovered that randomly locating moist spots in the carpet while wearing socks is one of my least favorite past-times. Second only to ramming sharp objects under my toe-nails, of course.

The Weekend Blog

2007-04-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

Happy Friday the 13th!

I fought through brutal rain and gale-force wind on the way to work today to bring you all a couple tips to surviving the weekend and other random notes. My hair looks great, my umbrella is battered and bent, and my wool trousers are wet up to the thigh, for your information. Things are starting quite well.

Two Quick Tips:

1. If you're running the Sun Run this weekend, please protect your nipples from chafing. No one likes bloody nipples. You will thank me later.

2. Kindly refrain from wearing a Flames or Stars jersey around town for the general safety of those around you.

Today marks Kevin's last day here in the boardroom. I will now be floating in a sea of estrogen and without my partner in crime. Please, a moment of silence...

On the docket for this weekend is dinner at a new place in Gastown, my little brother's graduate art show down at Alexander Center (info below), and a night out for a performance by the lovely Burlesque Beauties on Saturday. With any luck I'll get also get in a round of golf on Sunday and do some studying since June 11th is coming more quickly than I imagined. Go Canucks!

Mommy Dearest: an ANTM Flashback

2007-04-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is a testament to the universal power of this Blog, but didn't I mention last week that the ANTM mansion is turning into a daycare? Acting week is always one close to my heart, considering I was once a hack of a child-actor. Watching the girls try to be models is one thing, but watching the girls trying to be models trying to be actresses is a glorious car wreck in my eyes. Thank God they got the girls some well established talent to espouse the many subtleties of AC...TING!!!!

Wait... isn't that one of the twins from 'Sister, Sister' or, as I liked to call it in my youth, 'Sista, Sista'? I still contend that they did their best work in Nickelodeon's 'Are You Afraid Of The Dark?' But then again, didn't we all? (wink)

The next thing I know, Pedro of Napoleon Dynamite fame pops out like a wee Mexican Leprechaun crossed with Gomez Addams! He apparently never gets tired of hearing about 'Vote For Pedro', but has he even worked since? You can't really blame him: Milk it buddy! Milk it for all its worth!

The model/actresses channeled Cindy Crawford's best work in 'Fair Game' through 3 pretty boring scenes overall. Renee impressed more than anyone else, even though Whitney tried to do her best Forest Whitaker impersonation. Other than the facial hair, she was actually pretty close.

Renee won the challenge and picked a completely shocked Dionne as her co-winner. At first it appeared that the had only won two lousy t-shirts, but the truth was quite fitting. Their respective families came for a visit including their children and Dionne's Mom, 50 Cent. I mean her Mom who is now in a wheelchair because someone shot her! That's crazy! Like Natasha, seeing babies and mothers together makes me cry like, well... a baby I guess. In fact I'm crying right now. Other than a moment when Dionne's Mom rolled precariously close to the side of the pool, it was a fairly touching 4 minutes.

Mail-Order ended up heartbroken because she was left as the only Mommy not to see her kid. She did not take this well at all and spent most of the episode in a blubbering blob of emotion. By the time the photo-shoot came around it looked like she might not even have any heart left to model with.

The flashback photo-shoot was a good one. As a painfully loyal ANTM fan it was good to see some of the girls return. Shannon was one of my all-time favorites, but I certainly could have done without the Twins' return. Ditto with seeing another gruesome closeup of Joanie's Snagglicious grill! On a positive note, the Twins' obvious hideousness made Britney look like a million bucks! Natasha even pulled off a great photo shoot while adorned with disgusting facial sores; I'm sure returning Michelle really appreciated this glwoing reminder.

On to judging, where Ms. Jay looks more and more like a clown every round, and the seven girls waited to hear there fate. Most of the pictures were pretty decent, with Natasha and Britney getting the rave reviews. Not surprisingly, Jael and Whitney were in the bottom two, mostly because Whitney has been festively plump but not much of a model, while Jael has been almost totally incomprehensible. I can't wait for Jael to tangle with the serious Cover Girl commercial, that should be a massacre.

Whitney was sent packing with Jael getting one more week free rent at best. Now ANTM is left with only 6 contestants, and things are heating up! It shouldn't be long now until the girls are whisked away to some foreign fashion locale to race around an unfamiliar city for go-sees. My odds are on somewhere in South America this time around, maybe Brazil. The next thing you know, two girls will be knee deep in a walk-off to crown the champ. With only 4 short weeks left, you better stay tuned.

To Do List

2007-04-11T12:28:00.000-07:00

Today marks exactly two months before I have to take the LSAT. I'm feeling pretty positive about the situation so far, but I know that I have to average about 2 practice tests per week in the next 8+ weeks and this seems a little daunting.

My goal in taking the test early was to get it out of the way before summer really began. At some point I will probably have to find a new job and I want to have an adventurous summer more than anything.

I also hope to have a lot of time to complete the law school applications, most of which are due by either November 1st or February 1st. They involve a lot of bureaucratic details and I would love to avoid the resulting stress of a time deadline as much as possible.

I'll probably apply to 8-10 different schools to ensure I have at least a few different options. Depending on where these schools are located, hopefully I'll be able to visit a few before making a decision next summer.

Between now and Law School there are a few things I would like to do including the following activities and goals:

Finish a Novel-length manuscript (I'm on page 7.5 of approximately 90)

Edit and compile a chap-book of poetry.

Complete the East Coast Baseball Stadium tour (aka The Kevin Whinnery Freedom Tour)

See a few Mariners games in Seattle.

Take a kayak trip.

Learn to surf.

Reduce my body fat by about half.

Bench press 255 pounds.

Volunteer for Children's Hospital.

Coach Little League.

Finally finish the rest of the books on my reading list.

Make a new reading list of classics I need to read.

Create a feasible budget and save a set amount of money per month.

Attend more local artistic and literary events.

All that I know is that I had to punch in 25 on the treadmill for the first time yesterday and it looked weird, glowing there on the digital display. I've never been a terribly ambitious person, and I think I've been pretty content to follow the same comfortable routine throughout the last few years. This list may seem pretentious, but I feel like these goals will help me become a more well-rounded person, and that's the kind of person I'd like to be at some point in the future. Plus, I feel like you might as well aim high if you're going to aim at all, right?

Well, I guess it's time to get started, wish me luck...

Random Questions

2007-04-10T09:32:00.000-07:00

I tend to have an inquiring mind. Sometimes it is full of questions to which I have no answers. As a lot of people can attest, I also have a lot of random answers in my head, mostly beneficial when playing Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit, but you get my drift. These are a few questions that are plaguing me at the moment.

If someone is committed of a crime after a trial where they plead not guilty and testified on their own behalf, are they also charged with perjury in addition to their crime? Or does that have something to do with the whole 'right not to incriminate myself' thing? I'm pretty sure that the archaic 'swearing on the bible' routine is 0% effective when trying to get information from a witness either way.

What is wrong with our world when a show like Dancing With The Stars gets top ratings. These people aren't huge celebrities, are only dancing, and not well, and there isn't any additional dramatic plot twists involved. Do you ever wonder how future historians will look back on our generation and try to fill a text book? Someone better cure Cancer fast or we're going to be known as the gossip-mongering peasants of the Millennium Era who tend to bomb Middle-Eastern countries.

Continuing along the celebrity line of thought, how do hordes of underage celebs get into and drink in nightclubs when everyone in the world knows they are 18 or 19 years old. I mean Lindsay Lohan is a clubbing veteran and turns 21 on July 2nd of this year! I'm no angel but shouldn't someone be getting fined at least? Maybe I need a new publicist.

How do I become a professional model scout? Just curious.

Is anyone else mind-boggled when considering that just a few years ago we couldn't text message people? What about doing Internet research, does anyone remember going to the library? Most people I know who go to the library do so to find a quite place, not to actually access reference materials. It might as well be a warehouse with sofas, footstools, and high-speed Internet access. A Starbucks downstairs would also be ideal.

Well, this is some of today's pondering so far. Perhaps I will try to find answers; perhaps the answers will find me.

Happy Easter! / My Birthday Month!

2007-04-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

I am at work today; apparently the Union representative at my non-existent Union 261 (Facebook, Blogging, Myspace division) was asleep at the wheel on this one. I definitely would have ditched if the weather/golf opportunity combo was right.

I had a perfect long weekend started off by my birthday festivities on Thursday night. It was good times at Bar None with great friends, I just wish I could have spent more time with everybody because at a certain point things started to get a little serious and my ego switched into 'selective memory loss mode' to protect itself. There are a few people I can remember their face in front of mine, and I'm sure my lips were moving in some attempt at conversation, but... well you know.

Then, Friday in Vancouver was an amazing day for a hangover! The sun was out, it was so hot, and a few of us had a nice brunch. I don't know about anyone else, but when the weather gets so much nicer in less than 24 hours, I kind of assume it's the beginning of the apocalypse. Apparently Al Gore wasn't joking around. Eventually, a city walk around led us to Vera's Burgers and then down to a bench in English Bay to soak up some rays and people watch, two of my favorite things, of course. I was still in the same clothes as the night before and sporting some serious bed head until I borrowed a hat from Kev, for those of you interested in the complete mental picture.

The rest of the long weekend involved watching a ton of baseball and golf on TV, renting Casino Royale, having chocolate for breakfast on Easter Sunday, partaking in a particularly elaborate Turkey feast prepared by my Mom, a series of afternoon naps, and I even managed to fit in a fairly successful LSAT practice test. Now, here we are again, Monday, and I'm 25.

I want to take advantage of this time to thank everyone again for the Happy Birthday wishes, for being part of the shin-dig, or for even sending happy cosmic thoughts my way. I'd also like to thank those of you in advance who are still sending cash through Western Union or whatever. I've never made a huge deal of my birthday before, but this time around was classic; thanks again, you all know who you are! And Happy Birthday to my little brother Chris, who was also born on April 6th, but two short years later, and I do realize how cool/weird that is.

America's Next Top Ridiculously Named Model

2007-04-05T09:35:00.000-07:00

So, where do I start? I guess I should let you all know that my new professional blogging name is now... Marzipan. Ta daaaa! I really feel like that will be catchy on a headshot.

The girls found themselves being asked to develop a new 'model' name for themselves in the first challenge and obviously failed miserably. This episode was all about marketing and self-promotion and I think that if the girls knew they'd have to actually use the name in front of people, they would have put a little more thought into it. Twiggy had told them about how she became known as Twiggy and how it really helped kick off her career, but I'm fairly sure that that sequence of event isn't the 'normal' track towards supermodeling.

So instead of fantastic catchy nicknames, we ended up with the following:

Wholahay- Ummm... she should have just named herself Whothehell would choose that as a name?

Whitell- I could only think about Nutella after this point, that fabulous hazelnut chocolate spread... I think Whitney was hungry too.

Nata- As in 'Not A' legal citizen.

Neiem- When you sound autistic when saying your own name, not a good sign.

Moe- This was Sarah's new name... She thought they wanted to know her favorite Simpson's character I guess.

Finally, Jael, Jaslene, and Brit basically kept there own names, which were pretty catchy (weird) to begin with.

Soon we find the ladies at a party hob-knobbing with big-time celebrities like 50 Cent, Nicole and Paris, that new guy on Desperate Housewives with his shirt off all the time, and Tia and Tamara Mowry from 1989's 'Sister, Sister'. I'm so mad that I got left off the guest list for this one! Celebrity is a really loose term now-a-days.

Jael was killing 50s game with Dionne and got dumped in the pool, Mail-Order was confused, thought she was on fire or something, and also jumped in the pool. The cultural differences are amazing!

Then Benny Medina started interviewing the girls one by one and critiquing them and their new names. Most failed to impress, Dionne cried about her kid, who I didn't even know existed btw! Not to mention Natasha crying about her baby on the phone in the next episode preview; I think I originally thought she was talking to a Chihuahua or something! Who would've thought that the house had 2 plus size girls, and 3 mommies to begin with? Impeccable casting I must say, although I'm surprised no one has leprosy so far, unless we find out next week. Dionne won the challenge for crying and pulling off Wholahay to the best of anyone's abilities and got to take two friends to a Keds photo shoot.

Suddenly we were thrown into a commercial for an episode of T-Rex's (I mean Tyra's) talk-show where all the girls called out Renee for being 'less than friendly' and some tears were shed. Tyra was basically saying "I don't know if you've heard, but I also have my own talk show, watch it on the CW! It has a full hour of this @%^#*! five days a week!" Shameless self-promotion rivaled only by 50 Cent continually mentioning his 'SmartWater' earlier. Because when I think of smart and water together, I only think of 50 Cent. Duh!

The photoshoot was pretty lame, four shots of four different 'emotions' or looks and the girls styled themselves. Yeehaw! Sarah disappointed by being too 'posey', Whitney's four looks were chubby, plump, pudgy, and big boned, Jael looked like an angry Iguana, and Jaslene gave four different drag queen faces (btw, who knew Cha Cha Diva was a look?). Renee was decent, they loved Britney and her hideous weave, and Dionne and Natasha were probably the best overall.

Benny Medina and the rest of the judges, including Ms. Jay and his mildly offensive (but hilarious) Tribal clicking-speak, decided to get rid of Sarah for being too 'obvious' a model, since apparently supermodels have an innate ability similar to Luke Skywalker's 'force'. And you just can't teach that. Plus they could never bump two plus-size girls off in consecutive weeks. However, they should have; Whitney's time is up. Not to mention how much better gas mileage the stretch Hummer would get with so much less cargo!

Hockey Fight In Canada

2007-04-04T09:10:00.000-07:00

A lot has been said recently about the place of fighting in Hockey, especially in the context of what is now referred to as 'new school' hockey since the rule changes were put in effect to open up the game and increase scoring.

A lot of fans would argue that fighting is a part of the game, and that it always will be with the 'enforcers' doing just that and leveling the playing field (sometimes literally). My argument would be to ask what other sport, other than UFC or boxing, where the fight is the sport, does fighting occur so often.

In sports like baseball and basketball, and even football to some extent, people get mad and 'throw dem bos' so to speak. The only difference between all of these sports and their melees is that hockey will give out a major penalty, and that is it. Sometimes a misconduct, but rarely. In all of the other sports, any skirmishes result in suspension and are immediately looked at as negatively effecting the game as a whole.

I'm not sure how hockey players ended up fighting so much. Okay I am sure, but this is going to offend some people. Hockey fighting began and flourished in small town Canada. These are places where fighting in bars and being macho is inherently part of the culture. Think of a cornucopia of beer and 4x4 trucks. I'm not criticizing these places at all, but there was a time when two men could punch each other outside for a minute and have a beer inside within the same hour. That time has passed. Look at how many people have been shot in downtown Vancouver lately. Fights escalate, become pride issues and all Hell breaks loose. Let's not even approach the issue of how the media will cover a basketbrawl involving black athletes in comparison to a hockey fight between two good ol' boys.

I'm just going to throw this out there: Educated people don't fight. Millionaires don't fight either. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs will never throw down. They don't necessarily talk differences out in an 'after-school special' type of way, but the ability to anticipate and avoid conflict is more highly valued than a solid chin. Look at foreign hockey players, most of history's big goons have been from North America. Russian players (read: skill players) don't fight as much and are called soft. The same goes for those pesky Swedes and everyone else over there. The average player now is really big and strong, more guys than ever have been getting one punched and then down they go. Ice is not soft like a boxing ring people! Hitting your head on the ice can kill you. It's that simple. Or you'll get a concussion which will slowly deteriorate your brain. Not awesome!

I just don't think that grown men should fight each other. If it happens in the heat of the battle, suspensions should be given out accordingly. There have been some really dangerous plays this year from sucker punches to facial cross-checks and these events stem from the tolerance of fighting. The game has changed and the young stars are extremely skilled and are making enormous endorsement deals. Did you ever see Bob Probert hocking Gatorade, or a Gino Odjick selling his famous 'facial reconstruction kit'? I didn't think so. This completes today's rant against hockey fights; I truly think you can extrapolate this issue all the way to the war in Iraq if you wanted to.

FYI: The last time I hit someone was in 5th grade; he stole our basketball. I don't feel like I've really been missing out since then. Not to mention the fact that I have a really strong predisposition to not getting my face rearranged. Call me crazy but I like its present organization. Anyhow, if I really need to hit something I'll join a Cardio Kick-Box class with a bunch of hot girls and happily play the role punching bag myself.

Today's Tidbits

2007-04-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

I just went to the chiropractor and I feel great! Apparently I had a knot around a nerve cluster between my shoulder blade and spine; it was tight and painful. Now it's loosey goosey and I'm loving it. Chiropractor's are never over-rated. Just the snap, crackle, pop alone is such a release of tension. Good times.

Has everyone seen the Alanis Morisette "My Humps" video yet? All I can say is wow! It is pure genius. It simultaneously shows how ridiculous some pop music has become when so many other artists are making amazing music for small labels, or can't even get signed. Yet somehow, Fergie managed to go from meth-head to B.E.P. talent killer, to butter-faced solo artist while laughing all the way to the bank. Sheesh.

Not only does Alanis sing a great arrangement of the song, but it shows how stupid and empty the lyrics are and how Fergie can't even sing. Alanis also looks surprisingly hot. I never thought I'd say that.

Find the video, watch it and write me a 300 word comment due tomorrow. Class dismissed.

Busy Weekend

2007-04-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

I had the best weekend, but it only makes working right now that much more difficult. Hence the late blog. This weekend I did the following, in no particular order:

Consumed at least one alcoholic beverage at Bimini's, Hell's Kitchen, Bar None, The Backstage Lounge, Barney's Cafe, Crush, Northlands Golf Course Golf Cart #13.

Brunched at Sunshine Diner and then enjoyed a perfect afternoon on Granville Island.

Hit a bucket of balls out at UBC.

Attended Sharon's birthday at Crush and the ensuing morning brunch at Barney's.

Played 13 holes of golf at Northlands.

Ate a brutally raw chicken strip at the ninth hole break and managed to not get salmonella poisoning... so far.

Watched baseball's opening day, Mets vs. Cardinals.

Celebrated my Dad's birthday with a nice family dinner.

I certainly didn't get enough beauty sleep, but it was worth it. It was a full weekend and the best of the year so far (except for the raw chicken part). Thanks to all who were involved, you know who you are.

It's Friday!

2007-03-30T10:50:00.001-07:00

Thank the good Lord! This week, what with all of the nice weather going on, has seemed to drag on more than necessary. Not to mention that the temperature in our boardroom rises considerably after lunch, making napping almost impossible. Almost.

Last night I had a dream that I was drugged and tattooed by some mysterious person or persons, why I have no idea. Once I woke up it was terribly difficult to get back to sleep and that now leaves me with watery eyes in front of the computer screen. Some of you may know that I don't drink coffee very regularly, except for that short period of time where I discovered White Chocolate Mochas from Starbucks while managing at Cactus Club. Apparently those things have about 1000 calories because I gained more than ten pounds that month. Why must things that taste like heaven be so bad for you? Anyhow, I'm now trying to choke down legitimate office-job type coffee. It tastes terrible.

This is a rather useless blog, I'll admit. Even Babe Ruth struck out every once and a while, right? Oh that reminds me, I caught the last three innings of the Yankees vs. Jays Spring Training game yesterday on TV. Opening day is upon us and I could not be happier. From now until the World Series, you may have to repeat yourself a few times if you're trying to get my attention when a game is televised nearby. Viva la Beisbol!

Into The Belly Of The Beast! (ANTM Blog)

2007-03-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

As the curtains rose on another episode of America's Next Top Model, I instantly feared for the life of my favorite contestant, argumentative, if not bitchy, Renee. Listen sweetheart, in case you didn't realize it, Whitney and Diana are the plus-size models this year and the last thing you want to do is to piss them off by saying a 'big girl' will never grace the cover of Vogue. Renee had to be one of those cruel little kids who threw rocks at the animals at the zoo to rile them up; this time she's lucky she didn't get a twig-like arm gnawed off. Diana looked hungry for the whole hour!

With stomachs grumbling all over the house, the ladies went off and met the head of Elite Models, and some random slanty faced 'real model'. The ensuing lesson in 'styling' as they call it, was less than exciting, although it was kind of fun to see the girls BS about why their looks were so awesome and then be told that all their looks were intended to suck. Oh, SNAP!

Continuing along the styling theme of the episode, the gals went to their first challenge and, with the aid of male mannequins, Zarian squared (seriously guys?), learned another lesson in styling: Listen to the instructions during a challenge. Each group of 3 girls had to put together a little vignette using all of the terribly fashionable clothing and accessories from... SEARS? Pardon, for a second their I thought you said, wait that big sign says Sears too. Are you guys serious?

I almost expected mail-order-bride to absolutely refuse to model while wearing a dishwasher. At least the uglier of the male model twins (think Danny Devito to Schwarzenegger in Twins) managed to say nice things about Sears with a straight face. To wrap up the challenge, Whitney would have won if she would've sat on the platform like Natasha said, instead of the floor, go figure. Sarah claimed the prize after being styled completely by her teammates Renee and Dionne. Whatever. Her prize of another 60 frames in the photo shoot kind of pales in comparison to the $45K bracelet Whitney won last week, no?

Drama back at the house was the usual, only this time we got to hear Mail-Order's creepy husband on the phone. Every time he tried to console her it sounded like he was thinking, "That catalogue never said anything about the Russian girl talking so much, sheesh." She was seriously having a little sub-titled breakdown and no one could really care less.

This week's main photo shoot rolled around and lo-and-behold here come the male models, woooohaaaa! Oh wait, they're actually drag queens and are going to dress like women while the girls dress like dudes. Right, why didn't I think of that? Most of the girls had pretty good shoots, Jaslene was a great dude because of that massive Superman chin that only looks good in photos, Brittany was solid, Dionne was decent. My two stars would obviously have to be Renee, who channeled an impressive David Bowie glam rock vibe, and of course Natasha, everyone's favorite Russki, who really got into the hip-hop character and stole back a little respect. I mean, she made a grill out of the tin foil in a pack of gum Paul Wall could have been proud of. That deserves my MacGyver award for modeling '07.

Neither of the big girls impressed with their shots, surprisingly, since you would think they would have the advantage. Not surprisingly, they ended up as the last two at elimination time. Diana sealed her fate by telling Mr. Jay that she wanted to be America's Next Top Model, "Just cuz..." Not exactly quick thinking on her feet there, damn lack of carbohydrates fueling the brain. It was actually a no-brainer; one of the pluses had to be subtracted, and Diana headed home. Next week's episode looks kind of crazy with appearances from 50 cent, Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton, not to mention someone gets pushed into the pool. I'm excited. Big girls, huh? Well, see ya later!

Weird But True News!

2007-03-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

Here are four weird world news stories from the past few weeks.

In Calvert, MD, a woman claims her Golden Retriever, Toby, saved her life by jumping on her chest in an impromptu Heimlich maneuver while she was choking on a piece of apple. In other news, an elderly woman in Florida was trampled to death by her pet rhinoceros while she choked on a pretzel.

In Leeds, UK, a pot grower collapsed a road by tunneling underneath it in order to connect to a city power source. The resulting investigation turned up over 1000 marijuana plants in a nearby warehouse. In other news, experts are predicting a pretty low-key few months from the British music scene.

The world’s tallest man, Beijing’s Bao Xishun, stands 7’9” and has just married 28 year old Xia Shujian, 5’6”, after advertising his search for a bride world-wide. Bao, 56, gained some notoriety by using his long arms to pull plastic from a sick dolphin's stomach. In other news, if I had heard about this union closer to Valentine’s Day, I may have jumped off of a very tall object or broken into the aquarium.

At a nude beach near Madison, WI, a grove of willow trees has been cut down in an attempt to provide more sun for soft-shell and hard-shell nesting turtles as well as to discourage public sexual acts or 'cruising' at the nude beach. As a result, some of the previously hard-shell turtles are now soft.

Celebrity Drug Limericks

2007-03-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

I just don't think it's possible to have enough celebrity drug limericks kicking around, so here you go:

There once was a girl named Li-Lo,
By Limo, to rehab she'd go
To get off the crack,
She'd slide out of the back,
And give us a fire-crotch peep-show.

There's a model who married a bloke,
Who sings in a band, he's not broke.
But he does lots of 'stuff',
Gets the press in a huff,
While their noses are powdered with coke.

This Guess? girl, Oh we liked to tease her,
It took ten medications to please her.
Poor Anna Nicole,
She sold off her soul,
And still had to sleep with a geezer.

Ms. Spears is a gal with some cash,
Part Pop-Star, but mostly white trash.
She married a loser,
Turned into a boozer,
and now has two kids and a rash.

I hope you are all as amused as I am. I can't lie, that was pretty fun.

Wrestlers On Steroids?! You Don't Say!

2007-03-26T09:26:00.000-07:00

Recently eleven professional wrestlers, including the WWE’s Randy Orton, have joined the list of athletes linked to a nationwide steroids investigation.

This report has gotten a lot of coverage over the last few weeks by piggy-backing the whole baseball steroids scandal issue that has been teeming for the last few years. Apparently, these wrestlers, also including 'Edge' and "Hurricane' (I will admit very little knowledge about professional wrestling and its motley cast of characters) received shipments of stanozolol, nandrolone, testosterone and human growth hormone.

To this report, I say only one thing: Duh!!!!

Of course they're on steroids you morons! I truly hope that the reporter who broke this story didn't spend more than an afternoon prepping the article, and I hope he's not crossing his fingers for a Pulitzer either. I mean DUH! Professional wrestler's are on 'roids? No @$#%! Sherlock.

If you could find me five people who truly believe that these wrestler's are drug free, legitimate athletes, first I would show them these pictures:

And then I would go hole myself up in a cave until the end of the world, because we are in trouble if there are people that stupid walking amongst us.

(In case you didn't notice, one of those pics is Joanie Laurer, formerly known as Chyna... She's a girl. Honest.)

Professional wrestlers jump off of things, break tables, hit each other with chairs, cut themselves with hidden razorblades to create fountains of blood, and pretend to punch and kick each other all day. Then why are we so shocked that these bigger than life individuals need a needle in the gluteus maximus to pull this off? I'm fairly sure they're not the ethical or moral standard we should be observing.

Are there not any real issues left in the world for journalists to cover? I'm pretty sure that we're not doing so well on that whole 'world peace' project, and I'm almost certain that those pesky diseases known as 'cancer' and 'AIDS' are still kicking around somewhere.

I think my only option is to succumb to the idiocy and start my own religion in the deep south. I think I once saw a documentary about religious cults who play with rattlesnakes or live grenades or something, that would be SAWEEEET! and, no doubt, lucrative!

Stay Collar!

2007-03-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

I realize now that both of my last two blogs center around ironing shirts for work, but I have a small dose of targeted anger that I would like to share.

Today I grabbed a shirt to iron and noticed that one of the collar stays, those little two inch pieces of plastic designed for keeping the collar points stiff and straight, was missing. As I scanned the carpet for the missing object I quickly became miffed that these particular stays were made out of transparent plastic, making the search altogether fruitless.

I then remembered that I had an extra few pairs on my dresser, because they come in a little envelope attached to the shirt's spare buttons. Once I found a suitable replacement, I was content and my collar was just as it was intended.

Now I don't know if there's a thriving collar stay market that I am not aware of, but I don't understand why a shirt maker would make it so easy to lose these bloody things. They are small, slippery, see-through plastic. We don't stand a chance. One reason may be that big companies like Holt Renfrew sell fancy replacement collar stays, gold or silver plated, for upwards of $50. In fact, 8 sterling silver collar stays (4 pairs if you're struggling with the math) go for almost $200.

Now I don't know about you, but the only thing that could possibly annoy me more than losing a two inch piece of plastic that came free with my shirt, would be to lose a two-inch piece of silver that costs roughly $25 a pop! Geez.

Life Lessons Vol. 1

2007-03-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have only been awake for just over an hour but already I have learned 3 different lessons.

1. The steam-shot button, while simplifying the ironing of work shirts, makes ironing in only boxer briefs or less a very precarious undertaking as a result of the general height of the ironing board.

2. There are a lot of different things that I possess the ability to do well; neatly wrapping an object in Saran Wrap is not one of these.

3. The use of a small, single-person umbrella is a relatively futile undertaking in Vancouver, where the rain tends to fall horizontally as much as vertically.

Let this fabulous day of learning continue!

Welcome to the House of Ninja!

2007-03-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

I was totally going to start a group of 'vogueing' superstars called 'The House of Ninja' and now, ANTM shows me that someone else already had the exact same idea. Geez, what's a guy gotta do? Like many of you I was surprised to find that 'vogueing' is merely a combination of movement and posing. I guess that's why I was calling it poovement and movsing instead. My mistake.

Anyhow, Benny Ninja went from posing traffic cop someone wanted to clip with the fender, to the judge of the vicious and bloody vogue battle as girls squared off head to head. If there is any moment in ANTM history that really proved to me that modeling is difficult and deserves way more credit than it gets, well, this was not it.

After the girls got back into the house, things were still fairly heated from the drama centering around Renee. Then, suddenly, Renee is all medicated or something and starts being nice! She's doing Brittany's weave maintenance and drawing Jael a picture. The drawing was actually pretty good, although prefacing the giving of a gift by saying, "Don't be offended, but I drew you in a straight jacket, but... it's not tied up (nervous laughter)" is not quite what I expected. I mean, at least she didn't draw her strangling a puppy or something.

The next thing we knew, the girls were outfitted in ridiculous body suits and preparing to take on a room full of lasers to win a $40K necklace. Billy Ninja popped out in the creepy, tight yellow body suit and navigated the lasers with the panache of the world's gayest bank robber. Of course, this challenge was laced with irony when Renee, who wanted to win so badly to hock the bracelet and pay some bills/buy some diapers, was the only girl not to complete the task and Chubbs McGee (dark chocolate version) won.

Luckily, Renee went back to her old ways and cried to her husband on the phone long enough to piss off the other girls. I think we should just pitch a reality show to Fox where 15 girls try to share one phone. That's it, you wouldn't even need to have a plot, just supply the weaponry.

Finally, the girls had their photo shoot with Mike Rosenthal, where the theme was let's all pretend to be dead like Jael's friend who overdosed. This was flat out bad timing on the part of the Top Model producers, I mean seriously? Everyone took really good pictures, and I can't help but think that it was because they had to look dead. So... don't think, don't move any facial muscles, and glaze over your eyes. Yep, sounds like rocket science to me. Jay was impressed by Renee and told the other girls as much. Then when he asked her why the girls don't like her, she replied in a whisper, "I'm a bitch." The timing was perfect.

At judging it was pretty straight forward as so many of the pictures were good. The make-up was really convincing and it was entertaining to hear the stories which led to every girl's death like "Whitney never has a neck in pictures so she cut off my head." Throughout the episode it became obvious that Felicia was thinking she was too cool for model school and, not surprisingly she of Tyra's gigantic forehead and bad photo, was eliminated, although Dionne did get a scare after dressing like she was headed to the mall. Now we're down to 9 girls and the fun is just beginning. Stay tuned kids! (PS-Here's a shot of Benny Ninja @ work)

Yesterday... (Insert Beatles Song Here)

2007-03-21T09:19:00.000-07:00

So... remember how amazing a day yesterday was in Vancouver? For those of you spanning across the globe, it was sunny with blue skies and probably 9 degrees Celsius. For all intents and purposes, this is not exceptionally hot, but when juxtaposed with the rain and wind of late it felt like a balmy summer day.

The afternoon at work was a little difficult as the sun on the window in our Bored Room slowly warmed us into lethargy. By the time the clock struck 5 however, I had gained a 2nd wind and decided to hit the driving range at UBC since sitting in the gym while the sun shined seemed ridiculous to me. I hit my first 2 baskets of balls of 2007 and was pleasantly surprised by the results. I was a little erratic with the driver, but my irons were on point. This year my golf goal is to break 80, whereas last year I wanted to break 90 and finally managed to shoot 89 in my 2nd to last round of the year. I'll keep you posted on my PGA aspirations.

As I was driving home I think I must have been on some sort of athletic high, because that is the only thing that could explain why I decided to go for a run on the seawall. I ran for about 15 minutes and then did 6 interval sprints and jogged back home for dinner. Lately I've been doing a lot of cardio in the gym, but running outside is really a whole different animal. More like a rabid wolverine really. It really surprised me how much different the impact of running on concrete is on your body compared to the treadmill or the gym. My ankles and knees are a little squeaky today, or maybe they're just screaming and I can't hear them. There was also a lot of icy cold breath (not brought on by winterfresh gum) and phlegm production involved, but I digress.

Either way, I'm pretty pleased with the productivity yesterday's good weather brought out in me; I even bought some practice LSAT tests online (I now have every test since 2002 to study with). I can't help but be curious as to how productive I could be if I lived in Hawaii or San Diego. Well, here's to hoping the weather gets and stays good for a while, and if you didn't do anything outside yesterday while in Vancouver, you better make it up to me next time. For those of you in other cities, umm... sorry?

How Are Those New Year's Resolutions?

2007-03-20T09:06:00.000-07:00

Now is the time of the year when most people are seriously rethinking their New Year's Resolutions, or maybe even running them through the garburator in an attempt to hide the evidence they were ever made.

It is true that some resolution's are harder to keep than others. We are almost a third of the way through the year, but the good thing is that this part of the year sucks anyways! We still have a beautiful summer and colorful fall to get through, so eight months is still more than long enough to make this one of your best years ever. That being said, here are a few tips that may help you along your way.

If your resolution was to write a novel or screenplay or something this year, there are two things you can do to help. First, buy a great book by a classic author. Hemingway, Faulkner, Margaret Atwood or Toni Morrison, someone whose command of words will excite you to write yourself. Try to read for half an hour, and then write for half an hour. Hopefully, in both cases, you'll lose track of time and get more done than you even expected.

If you wanted to be more productive in your life in general kill your TV. This sounds harsh, and I am more of a television fan than most, but have your normal day of television viewing and then try to recall what you watched and for how long. You'll be disappointed for sure unless Fox's Police Dog Chases 13 happened to help you cure cancer. If you want to watch a sporting even, go ahead, but if it's not too expensive, why not go check one out in person? If you take the 50 bucks a month or more you spend on cable and spend that 600+ dollars on something exciting and memorable, you're way ahead of the game.

If you have a health and fitness goal that you set, it may be time to change it up a little. Setting lofty fitness goals ends up being frustrating if results aren't seen right away. Instead, try to focus on how clothes fit, instead of weight gain or loss, since muscle is more dense than fat, and weight in general can fluctuate 3-5 pounds per day depending on digestion and water retention. If you need a boost, try one of these tips:

Drink more water! Everyone seems to know water is important, but few drink enough of it. Try to drink 8 big glasses of water a day to start, although drinking closer to a gallon of water over a day is ideal. I find it's easiest to have a water bottle at all times, or even to just drink a glass after every time you go to the bathroom, which might be a lot, so don't try this tip while on a family road trip to Disneyland, or if you are a human mannequin for a living. Then, cut out soda from your diet completely, it is basically liquid sugar and absolutely terrible for you. Try to limit fruit juice too as most fruit juices contain less vitamins and minerals than you think and are very high in sugar as well. Try diluted cranberry juice or OJ in the morning if you absolutely can't live without the stuff.

Try the 10/10,000 method to lose weight. Reduce all of your portion sizes by 10% at every meal and add 10,000 steps of activity to your week or more. Walk around, walk to work, walk on a treadmill. After two months, you'll see genuine results and your healthier attitude will be a part of your life.

For those of you trying to put on some weight as muscle, invest in a protein supplement. Most people can't afford to maintain the healthy diet of an actor or professional athlete. Splurge for the biggest bag of protein you can (bulk is always cheapest) and if you need help with selection, ask someone who works at your local GNC or Body Energy Club. With milk, most protein shakes will give between 250-300 calories, so use these to go from 3 big meals to 5 smaller meals a day to boost your metabolism. If you're really serious with the weights, have a shake within the hour before your workout and the hour after your workout. A study found that subjects who sandwiched their workouts with protein gained twice as much muscle mass as those who did not. That's a big difference.

No matter what kind of goals you set for yourself this year, the biggest problem you probably have is with lack of effort and procrastination. You can't finish something if you never start it, and you have to remember that doing something (anything really, other than TV) is always better than doing nothing. Hope this helps.

Whistler Weekend

2007-03-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

Whistler Weekend for Kevin's birthday has come and gone, now everyone is back to work in the beautiful precipitation of Vancouver.

It was a really good group, the chalet was perfect (comfy beds, couches, and floors), we ate amazing feasts (French toast, bacon, hash browns, scrambled eggs, lamb Popsicles, jerk chicken, corn on the cob, perogies) which I never believed could actually come together as well as they did (compliments to the chefs), enjoyed Patron with breakfast, watched Borat and Talledega nights during afternoon recovery and 3am wind-down, played serious ping pong on the dining room table, drank way too much vodka and orange juice in the hot tub (let's just say I'll have to find a new source of Vitamin C in my diet for a while), went to Tapley's and The Savage Beagle Saturday night to visit some friends/bartenders (very good friends to have, fyi), had a pretty solid snowball fight in the village, someone ended up in the driver's seat of a short bus (the driver was not impressed), two people changed shoes spontaneously (moon boots for stilettos) the moon boots got made fun of, and the heels proceeded to hike back to the Chalet through the wilderness, someone professed their love to the largest gal in the bar and then did some serious dancing with Big Mama as everyone else enjoyed the spectacle, and watched the Canucks beat the Red Wings. What could be better?

It ended up being a great time, hopefully just what Kevin imagined, except of course for the rain on Saturday stopping us from riding, even though it would have been a pretty painful adventure at that point. Everyone got to know each other a little better (a lot better in some situations, haha) and there were some ridiculous stories told which I would repeat if I felt I could, partially as a result of content, but mostly because of my brain's decision to take the next few days off.

Athletes as Role Models: The Lost Blog

2007-03-16T10:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I spent a solid 30 minutes writing a blog about how professional athletes should not always be considered role models. It was quite elaborate and very long, but you'll have to take my word for it because a server error made it disappear. That made me mad. My inspiration was when Scot Pollard, an NBA player, looked in the camera during a recent game and said "Kids, do drugs!" He was obviously joking, but still caused quite the uproar.

The gist of my argument was that professional athletes are merely a portion of our larger human populations, and as such, their specific population likely contains men, women, blacks, whites, purples, Christians, Muslims, Pedophiles, Homosexuals, Racists, Geniuses, Unicyclists, Idiots, Saints, Jerks, and on and on. Some of these people may be very good role models, but we should not expect all of them to be so. They are employees, getting paid for their work, even though their salaries have alienated them from the rest of the population more than ever before.

Lyle from accounting is not a millionaire; he may be a whiz on the calculator and master of excel nonpareil but he could also be a huge racist jerk who eats babies. Let's say John Rocker or Mike Tyson with a pocket protector. It's just reality. I'm basically saying that we should value professional sports as any other form of entertainment and enjoy an athlete's speed, strength and skill just as we would one's singing voice or acting ability.

There are a lot of people you wouldn't trust raising your children or even standing near them at the public pool and you should view athletes the same way. Admirable qualities in people should be noted and respected across all professions. If you put unreasonable expectations on athletes alone, sometimes they can't help but fall short and disappoint.

ANTM Makeover Day!

2007-03-15T09:07:00.001-07:00

Makeover day on America's next Top Model is my fourth favorite day of the year behind my birthday, Yom Kippur, and the Westminster Dog show 'Toy Group' finale. ANTM make-overs haven't let me down yet, unlike my first experiment celebrating Kwanzaa, which included a plaid Dashiki and was slightly embarrassing.

The main story from this week was the showering of tears from various eyeballs. First, I have to say that condolences go out to Jael, whose friend died of an overdose. There is just nothing funny about that situation and I think she carried herself pretty well all things considered.

Now on to funny tears. All I can picture right now is Tyra and her cohorts sitting around, deciding which makeovers to do on each girl, when suddenly someone comes up with this idea:
"Oh my God, this is too perfect. Since every black girl on the show has a ridiculous weave issue, we should totally give an unsuspecting white girl a brutally painful weave! That'll keep us entertained for weeks! How about Brittany, she seems pretty weak, right?"

Poor girl. That seriously does not look like fun, and they made her a red-head. Talk about adding insult to injury. Then how ironic that she feels terrible but still goes out and wins the five minute long Covergirl make up commercial, I mean... competition. Then she picked Jael as one of the girls to do the 17 photo shoot with and the entire viewing audience went 'awwwwww'.

The other makeovers were pretty tame. The best few in my books were Sarah going to pixie brunette, since the blond elf look has never done anyone justice in the past, Mail-Order-Bride's dark hair plus bangs, which, unfortunately hasn't done anything to artificially inflate her IQ, and Renee's sharp little do which just makes her even hotter to me.

Renee has been my favorite for a little while, and I'm really trying to forget that she has a child by another man. Unfortunately I just can't get over how she whines about other girls' successes, first Jaslene and now Brittany. I mean she needs to focus on her own game, or at least shut up and smile so I can continue to admire her.

The main photo shoot with the 'naked dessert' theme was a good one. I really like models, can definitely appreciate tasteful nudity, and absolutely love sweets! This was a great episode for me, although I can't help but feel like putting the makeover and 'no clothes allowed' parts of the show in the same week might be a little ambitious. Hopefully they have some good episode plot lines coming up, because unless someone gets mauled by a jungle cat in a few weeks, it's all downhill from here.

Judging came and went, Tyra gave some very important words of model wisdom on how to suck in your gut to get the shot (she is the leading authority on this method), and Cassandra, she of the large nose and not-so-great photos, was eliminated. I thought they should have kicked her off just for wrapping the top ribbon part of her heels around her jeans. Even I know that's something that should never be done.

I actually thought Diana was going to go home because of the naked/body issue theme of the episode, but I was impressed when Tyra tried to goad her into saying she was uncomfortable with her body, and she just said 'nope' and went back to the group. Rock it out big mama! She'll be happy she made it another week because it's very probable that they do a little posing with scantily clad male models soon. The hormones ramp up, someone cheats on their boyfriend (which we haven't heard much about this year so far), and general hilarity ensues. See ya next Wednesday gals!

Happy Birthday Kevin!!!

2007-03-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

A little birthday shout-out to Kevin Robson on his 25th birthday. Happy Birthday buddy! Don't worry Kev, in roughly 57 hours we'll be in Whistler; I hope that helps us get through the next few work days. To everyone else, I'll post some pics on our return once everyone has okayed each of them and signed waivers. Things could get serious. (If I could cook more than hot dogs or scrambled eggs with cheese, I would totally make you a cake)

Things I Love About Baseball

2007-03-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

The legendary time known as Spring Training is upon us. Every Major League Baseball team is in Florida or Arizona taking advantage of the amazing weather to work out the kinks, scrape off the rust, and knock off the dust.

The real season starts every year at the beginning of April, which also happens to be right around my birthday (the 6th for those of you who need some extra time to brainstorm a solid gift idea) and because of this, even though I'm not a huge rain fan, spring is just the best time of year for me.

When I was in college we did a Spring Training trip to Fort Myers Florida every year, and since we were coming from Minnesota, land of snow and nose-hair freezing cold, Florida's hot, thick air seemed liked a warm hug. As a pitcher I was always really successful in Florida and I think it had a lot to do with the weather. Because of injury, the peak of my baseball career was probably between 12-14 years old, but Florida seemed to revitalize my body. Warming up was effortless, and recovery seemed much easier. I guess the old folks have a pretty good thing going on down there.

The Slump Buster's Fantasy Baseball League just had our draft last week. It consists of 20 teams managed by former Mac Baseball Alumni and it's a great way for us to keep in touch and give each other a hard time. All of this being said, I want to share with you a few things I love about baseball.

-the stadium's lush, emerald green grass against the red clay dirt

-Hebrew National Hot-Dogs

-8$ beer

-the uniforms, mostly tight pants and high socks style

-fitted baseball hats

-snug batting gloves

-pine tar on an unfinished wood bat

-the feel of a baseball's stitches against my fingertips

-dropping a knee-buckling curve on some unsuspecting batter

-running a two-seam fastball over the black of the plate

-strike three

-the triple

-the ground rule double

-the 4-6-3 double play

-the batting donut

-a relay play at the plate

-the hook slide

-the pop-up slide

-running the catcher

-a first-baseman in the splits

-stirrups

-the hit and run

-stealing third

-hitting the foul pole for a homerun

-robbing home-runs

-the crack of the bat

-the pop of the mitt

-girls in baseball caps

-the cheap seats

-the expensive seats over the dugouts

-getting beaned

-the line drive single up the middle

-the squeeze play

-the push bunt

-the double steal

-breaking bats

-the perfect baseball mitt

-pre-game stretching in the outfield

-road trips

-double headers

-extra innings

-lefty pick off moves

-stealing signs

-the delayed steal

-the inside pick off move to second

-sunflower seeds

-big league chew

-the knuckle ball

-yankee pin-stripes

-monument park in NY

-the World Series

-the Grand-Slam

-high-heat

Okay, who am I kidding? I love everything about baseball and will until the day I die. For those of you who don't like watching it on TV, I can understand. Playing the game really lets you in on the strategy and other intricacies which may otherwise be completely over your head. It is impossible, however, to argue the perfection of an afternoon at the ballpark on an amazing summer's day at Wrigley Field. Heaven might not exist, but those Ivy walls are forever.

This posting is dedicated to the colorful characters I played with at college including:

Ondy, PO, Nuke, S, The Biz, Sim, Scotty Bell, Psycho, The Raptor, Gramps, Dirty Dieds, Damo, Ty-O, Dizz, Bigs, Bmac, the Deal, K-money, Jesus, PCB, KPK, Bubbles (aka Chubbs), LiBo, The J-Train, and anyone else I forgot or whose nickname isn't quite as memorable. I was Fox, and those were the best times.

What Can I Do With a Liberal Arts Degree?

2007-03-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting, albeit very general, article which might assist some of you who are still in college and wondering what could happen afterwards. My college experience was pretty good. I did well doing something that I enjoy (English and Creative Writing, go figure) and was pretty good at to begin with. The funny thing was that throughout my college career I had three great roommates who were all pre-med-ish biology students. It might not surprise you to find that they were sometimes a little perturbed at the sight of me writing poetry on the futon for a few minutes a day, and then playing too many video games while they worked on labs involving the locomotion of snails or something equally as exciting. That being said, here are some options for different majors that maybe you haven't considered.

Perhaps the most persistent -- and often most annoying -- question college students hear throughout their years (second only to "What's your major?") is "So what are you going to do with your major?"

The truth, for many of them, is that they simply don't know. And that is totally OK.

While choosing a major will help you prepare for a career in a specific field, it can also provide a solid basis for pursuing a career in a seemingly dissimilar field. For example, history majors can go into government, journalism or even museum work, and it's not unusual for theater majors to work in business.

Before you think about what you're going to do with your major, find out what you can you do with your major.

Art:
So daddy wasn't thrilled when you announced that you were switching from pre-med to art history, eh? "At least I'll be rich in spirit," you offer as the smallest hints of tears replace the dollar signs in his eyes.

But art majors aren't necessarily destined to be starving artists. You can go into any number of fields, ranging from commercial art, media and photography to art therapy. If you've still got a place in your heart for scrubs, supplement your studies with psychology or counseling courses to pursue art therapy. If commercial art appeals to you, intern with a photographer, magazine or other media outlet and compile a portfolio as you go along. The same goes for studio art, wherein interning or volunteering for a museum will help you see the administrative side of this field.

Biological Sciences:
Lest you shy away from concentrating on the biological sciences (biology, microbiology, zoology, etc.) because you don't want to go to grad school, know that there are plenty of career options for those with bachelor's degrees in biology. Not only does an undergraduate degree prepare you for a career in the rapidly-growing health care industry, it also qualifies you to work as a laboratory assistant, technician, technologist or research assistant.

Should you feel the need to break out of the lab, you could also do non-technical work like writing, illustration, sales, photography and legislation by signing up for relevant electives, doing part-time work or interning.

Psychology:
Yet another major that seems to ensure that, unless you have a graduate degree, you'll be reduced to spouting Freud to the patrons you serve at the local café after graduation.

Not so. Psychology provides a strong liberal arts background, allowing graduates to pursue work in several fields like public relations, retail management, sales, market research, advertising and education. Again, it's important to pursue outside interests in different fields, both to further your work experience and make contacts.

English:
Majoring in English isn't just for future teachers anymore. Those with a background in English have a variety of options when it comes to choosing their fields of work, including law, public relations, advertising, publishing and well, okay, teaching. English majors looking to work in law should obtain summer work at law firms and tweak their speech and debate skills. Picking up an LSAT prep book probably wouldn't hurt, either.

Foreign Language:
Yes, you've taught all of your friends dirty words in three different languages, but what else can you do? Well, a lot, actually.

For one thing, the government (including the FBI, CIA, Customs Service and the Library of Congress) is one of the largest employers of people with foreign language skills. Foreign language majors can also go into arts and entertainment by working at museums, book publishers and film companies, or into commerce and work at American firms abroad or international firms in the U.S.

Travel, tourism, service and education are also popular industries for foreign language graduates. Try to become as accustomed to the culture of the language(s) you're studying as possible, in any way possible, from studying or working abroad to renting foreign language movies and books.

Political Science:
So you want to go into politics, but you're neither an Austrian bodybuilder/movie star nor a former professional wrestler... that's probably okay. In fact, some might say a more typical approach would be to supplement that political science major with participation in student government, a model United Nations or local political campaigns if they hope to go into government, law or politics.

Other career options include journalism, non-profit work, business, broadcasting or education. A degree in political science can also be good preparation for post-graduate studies in psychology, law and business.

Whatever your major, keep your options open by volunteering, interning, doing part-time work or taking classes in other areas that interest you. Involve yourself in community events and get to know local professionals who can give you contacts, advice and references.

And the next time someone hassles you about what you're going to do with your major, resist the urge to tell that person where you'd like to stick it; instead, say with every confidence that you have a variety of options to pursue, but you don't want to narrow them down quite yet.

I hope this was useful. If only I had known that a foreign language degree could have guided me into a career as a spy! I would have paid way more attention in Spanish, and High School French for that matter. If anyone is interested, Blogging is not very profitable and should be avoided at all cost as a career.

Dear Avril Lavigne

2007-03-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Avril Lavigne,

It doesn't seem like that long ago when my brother and I used to fight about which of us got to marry you when we grew up. Well, that was last Thursday and, I have to say, since then you just released your brand spanking new single 'Girlfriend' from modestly titled new album 'The Best Damn Thing'. Things have changed between us Avril.

Apparently you waited three years to release this album and worked with producer 'Dr.Luke' who has worked with Kelly Clarkson, Kelis, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears recently. Red Flag! Red Flag!! I understand that retro-chic is all the rage over the last few years, but retro '02 with the pink hair strips isn't quite the same as vintage '89. Plus, your single, with the whole Girlfriend theme, hasn't that been done to death with Ashlee Simpson and Lindsay Lohan fighting over Fez or whatever? And seriously, how do you come out with a younger, more fun album at 22 when you just matured enough to marry the singing monkey from sum 41? He is the human incarnate of a troll doll! But I'm not bitter.

Hopefully, the rest of the album is better, because to me, it just seems like you turned into a wannabe Ashlee Simpson, and I'm pretty sure no one has ever wanted that, except maybe present day, buffalo wing slinging sister, Jessica. Hilary Duff and Mandy Moore are too nice to sing this lame 'hardcore anthem', Ashlee already did, and Lindsay totally would produce this record if she could keep the rolled up twenty out of her nose for six minutes.

I think Tough-girl Pop music died while you were being all romantic with what's-his-face. Remember Fefe Dobson? Yeah no one else does either, and now the artsy girls who can actually sing and write songs like Cat Power, Lilly Allen, Regina Spektor, Amy Millan etc. are more popular. Okay, 'Girlfriend' is iTunes #1 song, I'll give you that. I'm also sure you'll make a boat-load of cash, have a fun tour, and live happily ever with your mush-faced beau. I'm just writing to tell you that I'm not gonna be happy about it.

Sincerely,

Marcus

Jabberwocky!

2007-03-10T11:08:00.000-08:00

I first read this poem as a young boy growing up in the Nebraska corn fields. One morning I had just finished pulling the plow across the pasture and, with the heat of the sun still warm beneath my shirt, I slid into the kitchen for a snack. On the counter next to the butter churn was a copy of Lewis Carroll's 'Through the Looking Glass' and I sat down to read. It went a little something like this:

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun

The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:

Long time the manxome foe he sought -

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,

And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,

The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,

Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,

And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He left it dead, and with its head

He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'

He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

I seriously love this poem. Carroll melded words together to create new ones like slithy and mimsy. For those of you playing along at home those are referred to as portmanteau, morphemes or blend words. I aspire to one day be able to make up words and have them immediately added to our lexicon. In 'Through the Looking-Glass' Humpty Dumpty explains the poem to Alice, how perfect is that? Anyhow, this and another poem, which I may share with you as a later date, strongly influenced me as a wee one. Along with the brutal manual labor, that is.

The Racial Implications of American Idol

2007-03-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

We live in a PC world that is uncomfortable talking about the color of crayons, let alone people. For the record, that one you're using to draw the witch's cat is BLACK, say it with me, it's okay.

I'm really surprised that no one has ever talked about racial issues as connected to the American Idol competetion. As you know the US has approximately 300 million people. Of these people, some 40 million (2004 census data) are African-American (God I hope that's okay to say). Now take this issue and apply it to the concept of American Idol where votes, sometimes 40 million votes per week, are registered, and some flaws in the system rear their head.

There were 5 legitimately strong female singers last night and I can't help but think that the black vote (and maybe the minority vote in general for that matter) is being split. In the past, Jennifer Hudson and other similar singers who are really good and probably found in every church across America, have been voted off about halfway through the competition. In year's past when Fantasia and Ruben have won, they managed to buck the trend because of strong personalities, or a cuddly factor that may have recruited a stronger following.

Take terribly annoying singers and past winners like Taylor Hicks and Clay Aiken, each of these crooners was obnoxiously white (even grey hair in Taylor's case) and by creating bandwagons that were easy to hitch onto, the Claymates and Soul Patrollers dominated the vote. Especially the senior citizen vote because really, who else is willing to pay two bucks for a phone call? Even a guy like Ace (token good-looking guy) ended up near the top because he got every teenage girl's vote every week. The contest is all about target audience and voter turn-out people! Just like that time the guy who went to Church and liked guns and whose Daddy used to be President won a similar contest, remember that?

The funny thing is that Simon Cowell really couldn't care less who wins. In the case of Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson, career success is nice, but he's already laughing all the way to the bank since the show is really only designed to create an album for the person who develop's the biggest fan-base and therefore highest possible record sales.

All of this ranting aside, the top twelve is pretty weak on the boy's side, with little MJ clone Sunjaya making it in even though I've sung better than him on the American Idol PS2 game. I killed 'Build Me Up Buttercup' for a finals perfect score, fyi. Soul singer Fatty McGee, or whatever his name is, should have made it, but none of the guys have an ice-chips hope in hell of winning anyway, so who cares. The girls are great but no one really stands out, except for that one white girl who wore the tight full-body pant suit to her first audition, and that's for all the wrong reasons. I have no idea where she's from (maybe suburban California?) but that outifit I can only appreciate as a stripper's first piece of wardrobe.

So over the next twelve weeks or so, these singers are going to repeatedly butcher the classics until someone is crowned 'American Idol' and I'm not even sure if I feel like watching. The star appeal or shiver inducing voices aren't present for me and I feel like Ruben might win again this year, only he's wearing a wig and going by Lakisha. Someone let me know when Barry Manilow week is so I can tune in, it's always downhill from there on out anyway. Oh Mandy! You came and you...

Back To School ANTM Style!

2007-03-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

How fitting that this new crop of girls, who barely looked capable of spelling their own names last week, would go back to high school in this week's episode.

I should have known that the 'walking episode' would be coming up next. Like always, Miss Jay made a stellar debut with an enormous marching band procession, and I have to say that this is one of the times his 'outfits' didn't make me feel uncomfortable, maybe because he/she didn't show quite as much of those peculiarly thin calves while strutting around the track.

Of all the season's passed I think that this year's gang is head and shoulders above the rest in the walking category. There were no bambi legged limpers or weak ankle wobblers in the bunch, although Sarah did kick her shoe off somehow which was nice because she needed to be brought down a notch.

Of course, the girls were then 'surprised' by Mr. Roy Campbell whose entire career now centers around his friendship and name-dropping of Tyra Banks, I assume, because he's not even a convincingly fashionable gay guy. The runway show in front of the kids was a good idea, that is until Sarah remembered that nothing steals the show like full-frontal nudity. But seriously, no one was super upset, since her chest is close to what those boys see every day in their own PE change rooms.

The Prom theme was pretty original and by the time they slid into their 'ghetto fabulous' prom frocks, the girls were getting the hang of it. Sure, they managed to botch the choreography a bit, and some, like Samantha, were a little boring, but Brittany came out on top as the challenge winner for having a little extra attitude. Thankfully, Roy put Jaslene in her place by calling her out for having the worst show, but she was in such denial she still ended up crying to her mama on the phone that the other girls are jealous. In my mind the other girls, Renee especially, are just shocked at how she can look so 'Harlem cheap' in real life and then manage to pull off decent pictures.

Jaslene did kill the photo shoot though, but I feel like the totally un-PC high-school 'weirdo' was the easiest to pull off, and they managed to make her look like she doesn't have terrible hair and hideous skin, so kudos to the staff on that one. Most of the girls actually had pretty good shoots, however it became pretty obvious that, just like every year, the sheltered southern religious girl's time was coming to an end. I'm just sad that Samantha didn't reach the makeover phase because her eyebrows were in serious need of work, not to mention the fact that she would never have done the drama inducing token topless shoot.

So judging came and went with poor 'mail-order Natasha' squeaking by even though her days are seriously numbered. The big girls continued to represent and Renee and Jaslene look close to clashing, which would be a bout I'd like to see. The other thing that really scares me from judging was Miss Jay's decision to add a ruffle to his collar every week. By the end of the show he'll look like a nightmare inducing cross between Iman and the scary clown from 'It'. That's just a bad idea.

Up next is the makeover show which is always a highlight (no pun intended) and this week I have to admit that the girls, mostly by virtue of keeping their collective mouths shut, managed to gain back a little respect in my books and distance themselves from 'Special Olympic Top Model'. I think Renee and Brittany still have a lot of potential, but Felicia, Sarah and Dionne really took a big leap towards relative respectability. Don't miss next week because Jael will either go turtle bald, or get huge extensions, and you know someone is going to cry me a river. I can't wait!

What Does Your Sign Really Mean?

2007-03-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

This posting goes out to a dedicated reader and birthday girl today! Happy birthday!

Aries (The Ram)March 21- April2 0

You are very active, inventive & imaginative.
You love challenges & oppositions.
You enjoy over- coming obstacles.
You get along with all kinds of people.
You are fond of speed & like to get things done quickly.
You feel annoyed if others do not keep up.

Translation: You’re a little obnoxious, love the sound of your own voice, and think you’re way cooler than you are. (Ouch!)

Taurus (The Bull) April 21- May 20

You are very helpful in nature.
You get along easily with others.
Friends can always depend on you.
Perseverance is your motto.
You give respect and take respect.
You are keen & particular to achieve goals.
You love peace and harmony.

Translation: Are you serious? Well, apparently you’re just great but they named a really crappy car after you, so there.

Gemini (The Heavenly Twins) May 21- June 20

You are analytical & capable of making quick decisions.
You have the capacity to adapt to any circumstance.
You have an ultra modern out look.
You are quick to adapt innovations.
You are always easy going and good humoured.
You are more governed by mind than emotions.

Translation: You’re an ice queen, or the Coors Light Twins. Maybe both.

Cancer (The Crab) June 21- July 20

You have a deep sense of humanitarian values.
You are very patient.
You stick firmly with the decisions taken.
You are home loving.
Unfamiliar surroundings upset you.

Translation: I’m just sorry that a terrible disease was named after you, the other option is also less than exciting, and a little itchy (so I hear). At least you have claws? Oh, nevermind.

Leo (The Lion) July 21 - August 21

You are born leaders.
You are good organizers and administrators.
You have a lot of energy and strength.
You derive happiness from making others happy.
You value honesty and friendship.

Translation: You’re bossy, we get it: King of the Jungle, get over yourself.

Virgo (The Virgin) August 22-September 2

You are good at planning and organizing.
You always aim for the top & are satisfied only when they reach it.
You are a perfectionist in things you do.
You are sensitive, observant & well informed.
You have keen interest in the Arts.

Translation: You are a prude, basically no fun, and you still consider yourself ‘artsy’. You should drink more or take up recreational drugs.

Libra (The Scale) September 23 - October 22

You uphold a high sense of Justice.
You keep an open mind.
You have a natural affinity to Arts.
You are loyal & popular with friends.
You love entertaining guests.
You are capable of making the right decisions.

Translation: Balance is over-rated, I bet you eat a lot of ice cream by yourself. Make yourself useful and measure me out an eighth.

Scorpio (Scorpion) October 23-November 22

You are a good leader.
You are not very easy to please.
You always surprise others.
You are ever ready to accept something new.
You are calm & cool even in the midst of a commotion.

Translation: You can’t fool us Scorpio, you’re a slut and we’re all talking about you.

Sagittarius (The Archer) November 23-December 20

You are broadminded and helpful.
You are admired and respected.
You love to exchange ideas.
You know what to accept and reject.
You are always practical in your approach to others.

Translation: You think you know better than everyone else, and you don’t mind telling them so. Whoa, don’t aim that thing at me!

Capricorn (The Goat) December 21-January 19

You are stable, patient and dependable.
You aim and work for its accomplishment.
You are good at business.
Self control & self reliance are your specialties.
You always return a favour received.
You make good and true friends.

Translation: You’re really nice! Of course you have to be because you’re just not that bright, and not that pretty now that you mention it.

Aquarius (The Water Bearer) January 20 - February 18

You are honest and tolerant.
You respect other people's beliefs.
You always think ahead.
You keep your word.
You prefer doing things your own way.

Translation: You’re a stubborn worrywart, you’re kind of a buzz-kill, and racist jokes are totally over your head.

Pisces (The Fish) February 19-March 20

You believe that every one should help each other.
You are talented in music or Fine arts.
Your intuitive nature helps you solve others problems.
You face life with philosophical calmness.
You are broadminded, good natured and peace loving.

Translation: Flip-flopping fish, it’s quite possible that you’re bipolar or maybe just flat-out crazy. I hope I catch you on a good day!

Canucks Win!

2007-03-07T09:23:00.000-08:00

5-1 over Tampa Bay! Who would've thought? It was a great game, we totally dominated in shots and played really well defensively. Our seats were good and we even almost got onto the Jumbotron! The other highlights were listening in on various moronic conversation around us including two guys talking about some online gamer thing:

A: You've already paid 14 bucks you might as well just play out the month.

B: Yeah but I've played this game before, it's exactly like ________ (insert nerdy game here) and you can't even change the characters.

A: That's not true, you can totally change the attributes, like having your strength points up to twenty...

(here I nodded off and awoke to Cowan lighting the lamp with his second goal)

Other than minor skytrain waits and malfunctions it was a very successful evening and if I get a student loan maybe I could afford to go see the 'Nucks vs. Calgary for Kevin's Birthday.

PS-If anyone has ticket hook-ups I will be forever indebted to you, and I'm a good person to keep as a slave, just to let you know.

Very Nice!

2007-03-06T09:09:00.000-08:00

What a gorgeous day here in Vancouver! Considering it was pouring rain and cold yesterday I'm pretty much as delighted as possible; plus, I'm taking my Mom to the hockey game tonight for her birthday, so rain while we rolled down Georgia would not have been fantastic.

In other news, a 420 pound woman went to the hospital complaining about a stomach ache and gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Hmmmmm. I have so many questions. What about the morning sickness? the water breaking? the late night cravings for pickles and ice cream (okay maybe this wasn't such a signal all things considered)? Were the baby's kicks brushed off as indigestion?

But seriously people, this woman had a baby in her capable belly for nine months and not a clue. Imagine the unlucky guy! Nine months ago he had sex with a 420 pound woman (this is another episode I'm afraid) and then he gets the phone call, "Congratulations, you're gonna be a father?" "What!? When?" "Pretty much right now."

My deepest sympathies to all, and good luck to the kid; hopefully Mom pays a little more attention from now on. Although, he has got it made since once he's able to crawl there's no way she will ever be able to catch him.

iSonnet

2007-03-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

A little ode to Apple in Shakespearean sonnet form:

I'm jealous of a friend who got a mac,
the newest macbook, it is glist'ning white
with wireless and a multimedia pack,
another of the Jobs, that Steve's done right.
It takes all of your info at the start,
and automatically fills in the forms
with credit cards and ev'ry other part
that's normally a chore but now, is art.
So how is it that I'm stuck in this Hell
of all day on PCs of beigy-grey?
My eyes offended by this piece of Dell
I'm forced to stare at ev'ry single day.
Oh Apple! Brand of beauty I applaud,
I only wish I charged my new ipod.

Wow, that was fun! And just in case the boys over at Apple didn't get the picture:

Macbook Macbook Macbook Macbook Macbook Macbook Macbook
ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod ipod

Oh what the heck:

Laborghini Gallardo Laborghini Gallardo Laborghini Gallardo Laborghini Gallardo

No Banana For You Roid Monkey!

2007-03-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

Just had a great workout that was only spoiled by a certain issue of which I am not fully knowledgeable. Therefore, I will let someone affected by this issue firsthand have the floor:

Hi, my name's Franz. You may know me from those intimidating moments at the weight room fountain or from the times I ask you how many sets you have left and then roll my eyes at your puny weight plates.

I am a colossal mass of human being. This bicep vein here? It's bigger than your neck. I can leg press a suburban and when I bench, little girls cry hysterically for no apparent reason. I also have exceptionally well developed lungs from the intense groaning exhalations I do when pushing thousands of pounds with so much force my face resembles tomato skin both in color and the potential to split open.

I wear my little sister's lucky tank top shirt every workout because it hides very little of my muscle, or nipples for that matter, enabling me to maximize the efficiency of looking at myself in the mirror. My body fat is 3.7% and my skin is pulled so tightly across my pectorals that you can see changes in the fake bronze pigment like when you stretch out a deflated balloon.

But I have a confession. I am afflicted with a serious disease, a syndrome called: CRWTWIFT. It stands for 'can't return weights to where I found them.' I know, it's awful!

It hurts me to admit, but I know exactly how those weight trees work. You put the sticking out bar part inside the hole in the weight, see? I even know that they are designed to hold lighter weights up top and heavier ones on the bottom, but no matter how hard I try, I can't master this technique when my testosterone levels are in full testical-shrinking mode.

Everyday, I chant 'put the weights back' over and over while sticking this needle into my butt cheek. Then I proceed to load up the leg press with 8 plates on each side and move them 3 inches per rep while squealing like a piglet being used as a thigh-master.

When I'm done I leave the massive plates there in all their glory and then scoff when someone comes over to the machine and struggles mightily to put them away. The whole time I'm only thinking, 'slow down sweetheart, I don't know if everyone fully realized how much poundage I had going on there! Everybody look before she's done! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME BREATHING SO HARD?!'

CRWTWIFT is a real issue, the world would be a better place if I was taking supplements of courtesy, common decency, or kindness, but I'm not. Instead, I'm jamming synthesized hormones into my buttocks and then taking out my rage on unsuspecting dumpsters.

The next time you see me, understand that I have a problem. Well, a lot of problems really. I don't think my Dad hugged me enough.

CRWTWIFT annihilates my ability to act like every other gym member and put my weights away in the appropriate place. I can rattle off the nutrition information of any protein bar on the market, but I'm incapable of this simple task. Research must be done! This disease is to blame! It has absolutely nothing to do with my jacked up hormonal imbalance, bacne, or pea-sized brain.

March Madness Got You Down?

2007-03-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

It's March. You know what that means don't you? March Madness!!

The most exciting college sports tournament and the only decent basketball played on TV in my opinion. The NBA is all glitz and glamour and nobody plays defense. College basketball has great fans, great tradition and great heart but do you know what it doesn't have?

Fighting Hamsters.

You heard it here first. Instead of taking part in a March Madness office pool why don't you try out the sporting event thrilling people all over the world, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.

I'm talking about Hamster Fight Club 07.

Now, this is a tournament with heart. 64 Syrian hamsters nibbling there way through each other's jugulars in territorial bouts of rage until only one remains. A veritable blood bath of rodent carnage. What could be better?

The entry fee is $20 and you can enter as many combatants as you like, space permitting. $1000 to the winner and the remainder will buy beer.

Pit bulls can be expensive and tend to maul young children which can be annoying and difficult to clean up. Hamster's cost less than 10 bucks in the pet store. How can you go wrong?

So, everyone go and grab your hamster, get them on the wheel and sharpen their teeth up nice. You better be prepared because I already have the champion on my team. Let me introduce you to Little Tyler Durden.

(no hamsters were harmed during the writing of this blog, please don't actually do this, I would feel bad)

My Mom Has Myspace (a poem)

2007-03-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

My Mom has myspace.

I found her profile, or maybe it found me,
lurked there like a coiled cougar
the familiar smiling face
very unfamiliar fuchsia tube-top.

Lies play leapfrog across the page.

She's not thirty-three, or even forty-three
unless we're talking birth year.
She does not make over 250 grand
and I cringe at 'more to love'!

Wow, she is a terrible speller.

Sparkling Chanel background
tell me your secrets; or just
stop with the blinking before
I have a seizure.

Swinger status brings nausea.

Should I be concerned
Jenna Jameson is in her top eight?
When did she manage to have
the professional looking pics done?

In between the cooking and laundry?

Why is she splashing in that shallow
ocean water,
back arched in ecstasy?
Is that my baby photo?

Is that a nipple?

I sprung from the womb
of this apparent myspace diva.
I hope it doesn't hurt her feelings
when I deny her friend request.

I'm telling Tom.

Disclaimer: My wonderful mother does not have a myspace account and even if she did it would be very tasteful and I would add her (but not to my top 24).

What Do You Mean It's Not Saturday!?

2007-03-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

It is times like these when the fresh air makes me happy that I have about an 8 minute walk to work everyday.

Then I get to work and simple math and the jackhammering in my temporal lobe tells me I'm going to run today on 3.5 hours of sleep. Are you as excited as I am? For those of you who read this after getting up after 2pm: I hate you with a passion (no just kidding, seriously I love you, keep reading my blog, I'm sorry, let's never fight again)!

I planned on going to the gym after work yesterday so I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt hoodie combo. In retrospect this was a bad idea. It's freezing cold in Vancouver right now and I didn't end up even swiping my Fitness World card. I bought a set of Allen keys and fixed Kev's front door lock and then used the same tool to repair Ambi's Ikea curtains. This Allen fellow has developed a lasting legacy. I hope one day someone uses a 'Marcus something' to be productive, even if it's only to open a bottle of beer. Feeling like a true handyman, I ended up going home and showering before meeting Kevin and his room mate, Gailea, who just got back in town.

Scotty from Bar None had let us know about VIP Free Drinky time from 9-11pm and, being the opportunistic fellows we are, we headed down for a visit. It turned out that Jay, Chris and Illa Brown of Bogueart Entertainment were starting a new night down there and if anything you can always count on them for some classic hip-hop mixes. With the new renovations at Bar None (they put VIP in the back by the stairs and extended the side bar for those of you who can picture this) I think it'll be a successful night, although if I keep rolling Thursday into the weekend I could need a liver transplant by Canada Day. Anyone know a donor?

Eventually I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while and signed off from the boys to traipse around downtown yellow cab style. There was a little stop at Century where I began to feel the effects of those early Hennessy and cokes, friendly shots, and Scotty's famous Pirate Punch (ingredients presently unknown). Then it was over to Roxy where we ran into a few interesting people before signing off on the evening.

Only then, just before 4 am, did I realize that I had to work today, which is right now, very unfortunately. The last part of the evening involved cutting through an alley getting back to my car and allegedly 'scaring the !#$%' out of a homeless person (his words).

Upon my alarm proving it was still in working order, I glided through a haze to get ready for work, didn't want to leave the shower at all, skipped breakfast, haphazardly ironed a shirt, and couldn't find the right shoes for ten minutes. Good start! I'll check back in with you folks later on, and if I'm feeling a little more chipper and find my sense of humor (I think it's hiding next to the stapler over there) I'll drop you a little something something after lunch. Or I'll take a nap.

News Extra!

2007-03-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

Apparently a mother in Washington state coached her children from the age of four years old to act retarded so she could defraud social services of $280,000 dollars over the last 20 or so years. Wow! I mean I've done some things I'm not proud of, but that is loooooow...

OMG Not Model Boot Camp!

2007-03-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

So what can I say so far about ANTM? Wow, the boot camp beginning was a little ridiculous with Mr. and Miss Jay taking themselves to a whole new level of over-the-top divaness. Did you see Miss Jay's modified cargo shorts, yikes! Then a pack of roving gorillas, oh wait I mean Tyra and friends came whoop whooping in and started a good 8 minutes of 'steppin' which of course is so cool and hip in 2007 because of that movie no one watched.

Sometimes Tyra is just so self-indulgent that it makes me puke a little in my mouth. She can't let us forget that she was once a top model and SI cover girl, can she? I love when she teaches a girl to take it from here (one bizarre facial pose) to here (another almost identically strange facial pose) and then asks 'Did you see the difference there?'

There wasn't nearly enough crying in the boot camp piece and I'm still surprised that no one fainted with all that grueling 'marching' and walking in boots that went on. That was certainly a boot camp designed for girls who don't eat enough.

This crop of models does look like they can walk a little better than in the past although they do seem like over the top performers for camera. They had all seen Tyra at boot camp but come interview time they were still freaking out and screaming about how beautiful Tyra is or talking non-stop like Dionne who must be a few IQ points short of the national average.

In fact, this might be the dumbest group of girls we've seen yet! It didn't help that the photo shoot had themes like pro-choice, anti-fur, and vegan. What happened to 'you're a tiger' or 'give me fear' or something relatively easy to convey because I know that Dionne didn't have the slightest clue what Vegan even meant. Ask her to spell tofu. Go ahead.

The house and the drama that ensued was mostly stuff we've seen before although it becomes a little obvious that they selected some girls for the sheer reality tv quality. I mean, they're mixing in an opinionated mail-order bride. Seriously?

Not to mention Jael who swears she's part African American but appears to share more iguana DNA in my mind. The Latino girl is way over the top and weighs 6 pounds, blond Sarah is the know-it-all, Renee is the token Mom, and Felicia got on because she 'resembles Tyra' which only means that her forehead is eating the rest of her face. I can't wait to find out who actually has a wooden leg or some mysterious disease like ebola!

Thank God for the plus size models! No not really, scratch that, but I understand their inclusion since the recent weight issues Tyra has dealt with on her talk show and world-wide criticism of unhealthy looking models in general. Plus, all that craft services food was just going to waste!

The only other exciting part was how style guru Philip Bloch showed up during the 'dress like a homeless person challenge'. Did anyone else catch the moment when even super fabulous Mr. and Miss Jay looked at Bloch as if to say 'Wow, you're like really gay.'

The next thing we knew Kathleen was eliminated because of her super boring anti-fur shoot, where she was confused to say the least, and the credits rolled.

So far I haven't been overly impressed by any of the girls. That being said I think mommy dearest Renee is the front-runner, even though she's 20 and seems 33 most of the time, with Samantha and maybe Diana as a super dark horse candidate.

I'm also convinced they'll keep Natasha around just long enough to convince her to host Russia's Next Top Mail Order Bride. Hopefully the makeover episode is up next, because watching girls cry about cutting their hair is really one of my favorite past-times.

This season has more messed up weaves than 3 6 mafia concert, so there's sure to be excitement to come. Stay tuned.

What The !@#$% Is This White Stuff?

2007-03-01T09:00:00.000-08:00

Something very strange must have happened in Vancouver last night. Either:

A) A giant volcano erupted and spewed ash over the city.

B) A huge drug bust went awry and 30,ooo kilos of coke exploded.

C) Every home in the downtown core had regurgitating chimney malfunctions.

or

D) There is a terribly contagious case of dandruff going around,

because if that is, in fact, SNOW! then that gentle season I know as summer is not as close and I had hoped and I can feel my Seasonal Affective Disorder flaring up again.

Back into hibernation I suppose.

ANTM Tonight

2007-02-28T16:46:00.000-08:00

Just a reminder to everyone that the 147th cycle of America's Next Top Model starts tonight!

The last two cycles have been a little disappointing in the talent column and I hope to God there are no more twins! I think they really put the twins on thinking they were actually one plus size model.

Who else is excited for another 14 or so weeks of cat fights, crying phone calls, cheating on boyfriends, go-sees in exotic locales, and of course Mr. and Miss Jay is all of their over the top fabulousness? Not to mention Tyra's dragilicious judging costumes.

Celebrity Inspired Haiku

2007-02-28T08:15:00.000-08:00

(Haiku is a Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables, fyi)

Britney Spears is bald?

We have seen this all before,

when she left the car.

K-Fed wants the kids.
Only the King of Greaseballs
could lose to Britt now!

Kramer hates black folk.
He's only mad because his
pilots get cancelled.

Eddie lost Oscar
to an old guy in a van.
Lose the fat-suit chump.

Li-Lo left rehab

to party at Winston with
the other crack-heads.

How did cute Tom Cruise,
hide from us for so long that
he's an alien?

What's In A Name?

2007-02-27T08:58:00.000-08:00

In Romeo & Juliet, Bill Shakespeare once wrote, "What’s in a name? That which we call a rose/by any other word would smell as sweet." Now I tend to hold WS is pretty high regard overall, but I don't know if he was on target with this one. Anyone can look through a phonebook or any other list of names and see a few cringe inducing monikers. Children are cruel and whether you were christened Donald McDonald or Phat Ho, or even Haywood Jablome (even I'm skeptical of the validity of this one) kids are going to find a way to turn a name like Marcus into Mucus.

Lately, even celebrities have been throwing caution to the wind in naming their children. Granted, these kids have basically been born into a family of genetic lottery winners as far as looks, fame, and wealth are concerned, so maybe they deserve it. Names like Suri, Apple, Kal-el, Banjo, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and my personal favorite Moxie CrimeFighter have become the rule rather than the exception.

As a response to this irresponsible naming of children I have been working with three hermetic Austrian scientists and a talking ape in the deepest Peruvian jungles to find two perfect baby names that are entirely immune to ridicule. Without further ado, here they are:

Boy: Max Massevcochski
Girl: Shenada Krakhoar

The blood, sweat and tears were worth it, save that one encounter with a particularly ornery 6" leech while wading through a crotch deep jungle stream. That was awkward.

I'd also like to mention that Frank Zappa earns the lifetime achievement award in terrible child naming for this gaggle of wee ones including:

Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan, Moon Unit, and Diva Muffin. Seriously Frank, put down the bong! Or at least pass it to the left.

Academy Awards

2007-02-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

I know that everyone and their Mom will be covering the Oscars this morning, and other than pictures of certain young starlets, there's only so much one can take so I'll try to keep this brief. PS-Your Mom is a hackneyed, pedestrian writer, get her off of the computer.

Ellen was the best Oscar host I've seen in my lifetime and this may have been the best awards show overall. It was funny enough and the writing seemed better than usual, even the movie montages were fairly entertaining. Plus who doesn't enjoy shadowy interpretive dance?

The American Heritage montage was forced and seemed especially out of place though when this was obviously the most multi-cultural awards show ever. Some of the presenters needed subtitles, but it was good to see in general.

Abigail Breslin and Jaden Smith stole the show with their two presentations. They were so poised and naturally funny that we forget they're little kids. The other funniest moment was the Will Farrell/Jack Black/John C. Reilly musical scene complaining about how great comic performances aren't recognized under this format. It's funny because it's true.

Jessica Biel is hot. She came into Cactus Club once a few year's back and I stared at her through the pass-thru glass and ran food to every table in her vicinity. I'm weak.

Martin Scorcese totally deserved to win, and I loved 'Departed' but was still surprised it got picked best movie.

I'd like to say that as someone who has a little experience with really bad acting, it's mind-boggling how good some actors are. Even in the wee clips it was so obvious that Judi Dench, Meryl Streep and Cate Blanchett are just on another level; they could all win every year. Ryan Gosling and Leo Dicaprio have definitely come a long way from 'Breaker High' and 'Growing Pains', no?

Finally, on a weekend we award the best in film, it is ironic that a movie so blatantly brutal as 'Ghostrider' starring Nick Cage (quite possibly competing with Keanu Reeves for worst actor ever) made over 17 million dollars to lead the box office. Haha, that will snap you back to reality.

PS-In the original comic book Ghost Rider was BLACK. I feel nauseous.

Art Show Confidential

2007-02-25T22:18:00.000-08:00

Wow. I just got back from a quick trip to The Showdown Artshow put on by Insight Clothing and was really impressed. I can't lie, I think my brother is an amazing artist and I know he's pretty humble but check out these pics. My favourite art is ink drawing in the first place and his is just flat out good; the repeating wallpaper alone boggles my mind, not to even mention the subject matter.

Apparently Andrew Jackson, whose face adorns the American $20 bill, had an interest in the paranormal after his political days concluded and became almost obsessed with the 'Bell Witch' and poltergeists etc. In the drawing Jackson is restraining a girl supposedly possessed by the 'Endfield Poltergeist' and the emotion of the confrontation really comes through. These pics barely do it justice.

To brag about the young man who shares my DNA one last time I would like to mention that his piece was the first picture sold, and went for 350 bucks. Apparently it is Chris Turner, and not Hansel who is hot right now.

I'd also like to note that Chris' friend Johnny painted a set of 8 portraits of their group of friends that was really impressive and though it was priced at $1600 it's relatively priceless in my mind (below). I don't frequent art shows as much as I would like, but I might have to do it more often and I suggest you do too; I think we are a generation that is unbelievably talented creatively and it's fun to share that experience.

A Few Party Pics

2007-02-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

Team Tiara

Do they love the camera or what?

Me and Chelsea

Kev, Jess and Me at Ambi's

Welcome to the Party

2007-02-25T14:59:00.000-08:00

How's everyone's recovery day going so far? I'm feeling about 6 out of 10 so far myself, but I'm pretty sure anyone who attended the birthday extravaganza last night would rate it a solid 9 or higher.

The evening started with a fairly large group crammed into Ambi's avocado coloured apartment. Everyone enjoyed some beverages as the two guests of honour floated around in their angelic white dresses. I'll get my hands on some pics ASAP. A couple rounds of drunken American Idol karaoke were played and we all headed to the Century House/Club.

By the time we all got upstairs the only bartender on was quickly overwhelmed. Once she got some support, the cocktails flowed like a sweet river of happy juice. No one cried! I think that's a first for this often times dramatic group. There was dancing, a lot of celebratory shots, and as the night progressed and it got more and more packed until it seemed like you couldn't turn around without seeing someone you were excited to talk to.

Eventually pods of people started retiring for the evening and the crowd dwindled. Matt suggested food and the next thing I knew I was on Granville with a monstrous poutine in hand having a really awkward conversation with this guy who used to come into the restaurant in the summer. To put it plainly, he was high-energy and wearing a leopard-print coat of some kind. We fled.

Well, cheers to a great night for everyone who showed up. I'm gonna shake off these cobwebs, make some phone calls to piece together what I can't recollect and then make plans for Academy Award viewing and my brother's art show tonight. I hope 'Little Miss Sunshine' or 'Borat!' wins something. If not, I can rant about it tomorrow, right?

Bright Idea?

2007-02-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

While enjoying a balanced breakfast of left-over sushi this great (and I use that term loosely) idea popped into my head.

If you're a Republic regular you should show up nice and early, get the up and down stamps on the inside of your wrist and then... this is where the genius comes in- go to a tattoo parlour and get them tattooed on.

These tattoos would pay for themselves after about a month of no cover and you'd never have to wait in line or deal with the bouncers again! As you might assume, this would work with any club that never changes its stamps.

Now let me conclude by saying I would never ever actually do this, but you can't argue with its practicality.

I guess I'm more of an 'idea' guy than an 'implement that idea' guy.

Good Morning Vietnam

2007-02-24T11:10:00.000-08:00

You might have guessed that I'm awake now. It's 11:11 Saturday morning, touch something red and make a wish! Now I don't want to rant, and you should know I love Coal Harbour as much as the next person, but is there any good reason to be jack-hammering cement and manipulating enormous cranes this early in the morning?

I got to sleep sometime between 4-5 am, or, if you'd rather, just after a series of drunk phone calls/texts. Now I'm up. For Good. Boooooooooooo! I was recently crowned the world's worst 'fall back asleep-er' so I'm going to have to roll with this sleep deficit all day unless I can finagle an afternoon nap.

Last night was fun, Kev and I headed out to visit Migs at North Burnaby Cactus Club (we haven't ventured out to the suburbs in a loooong time) and we drank mansize-spiked-frappes and were entertained by Nigel et al for a little while before heading back downtown to Republic, a place we frequent altogether too often. A few hours later the ugly lights hit and it was game over. I rolled home down Hornby and then managed to get disoriented in my own bathroom of all places. I was a blind man without a cane or dog and managed to take a Q-tip dispenser off the wall before escaping and hitting the pillow.

The funny thing is last night was supposed to be a low-key night in preperation for tonight's Century Club 'triumvirate' party for Ambi and Chels' birthday and Leith's going away. This will surely get ugly. So I'll see either see you there or give you the dirt manana.

Art Show Sunday

2007-02-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

My little brother is in this Art Show on Sunday. If you live downtown or are looking for something to do Sunday night you should definitely check it out. I've seen the piece he's showing and I might be biased but I think it's amazing. I'm sure the rest of the show will be great but just slightly less impressive.

Plus, the fine print says something about models. This must be so all of the girls who appreciate art can bring their ADD afflicted boyfriends along (just look at the pretty models sweetie, I'm gonna do a lap and see the art).

But seriously, you'd have to be heavily medicated to miss this one.

8pm to 11pm The ShowBusiness Agency #310 - 1300 Richards St.

My First Blog

2007-02-23T12:23:00.000-08:00

Hi. My name is Marcus. For the purposes of this blog you can call me Cus, pronounced like one half of cous-cous but far less redundant. That's me over there on the right in case you're wondering how ridiculously good-looking I am. I live in Vancouver at the moment, and have lived in various Vancouver suburbs, St. Paul, MN, Los Angeles, and New York. I've traveled through most of the US, a little Mexico, and even spent Christmas morning in a Senegalese Village. That's Western Africa for those of you not navigating the Internet, atlas in hand.

I spent most of my life being raised by a particularly vicious pack of wolves in the Alaskan wilderness, but that is a time I'd rather forget. Mostly because it's led to grossly expensive psychiatry bills in an attempt to curb my overzealous love of red meat and intense hatred of body hair.

I was eventually found by my current, noticeably less feral family. They're nice enough I guess. My mom is a medical office assistant and professional mom who makes fantastic chocolate chip cookies that must be dipped in milk to fully appreciate their greatness. My dad is a Computer Systems Analyst for a company that does payroll programs for North American municipalities and avid golfer. Legitimately beating him in scrabble is still one of the highlights of my life because he's a smart guy. I think I get my artistic/creative side from my mom, and the astounding intellect and sense of humor from my dad. The rest was created in a lab somewhere as a genetic super soldier, but I digress.

I have a little brother who is 22. We were actually born on the same day exactly two years apart. He will be completely unimpressed by this blog undertaking because he is an art student! This means he is infinitely cooler than the rest of the population. So cool in fact that he can wear a toque and a hoodie at the same time! He lives with a bunch of similarly artistic/anti-hygienic boys who all have beards of some sort. Seriously though he is a very talented artist and I'll post some of his stuff if he ever lets me see it.

Now it's my turn, I guess. I'm at a point I would describe as a quarter-life crisis. I turn 25 on April 6th. For those of you who already figured out that the birthday after your 24th is almost always your 25th, you get a gold star! I want to go to Law School, something I've decided for the second time in the last five years. Eventually I'd like to be General Manager of the New York Yankees and write poetry and novels under various aliases.

I graduated from Macalester College in St. Paul, MN as an English Major with Creative Writing Emphasis and Sociology Minor. I played four relatively successful years of college baseball until injuries started taking their toll on my pitching arm. If I had it to do over I would have been a switch-hitting second baseman, and Dominican. I was an utterly dominant 12 year old though. The other kids caught up and my major league aspirations dissolved into the ether.

When I was a kid I was an actor. I played Young Fox Mulder on the X-files which is my most notable role along with a sweet Are You Afraid of the Dark episode. I was also a virtuoso hand model in commercials from Jurassic Park to GI Joe to Transformers. Apparently I could play with toys better than the rest of the kids, which I have to say is a result of almost super human hand/eye coordination. In fact I'm a star at catching various thrown objects in my mouth. It helps when they are edible projectiles. For future reference I prefer Skittles and Peanut Butter M&M's but despise olives and maraschino cherries. That reminds me, I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue in under ten seconds. If you know what I mean.

I'm not a religious person unless hedonism/aesthetics is a newly developed branch of Scientology. I love great food, art, fashion, even architecture and interior design. I think that you can make things useful and look great too, which is why I believe Apple and Mac products are so popular. It's similar to my take on dating which is that personality is more important than looks, but if you only date attractive people, the one you find who has a great personality will also be hot. Thanks Dad!

I like girls a lot. I crush a lot. Talent crushes especially. If a girl is really good at something like singing or a sport I'm done for, even if she looks like she was born from the consummation of a goat and a cinder block.

This might be a good time to note that my sense of humor is often mildly offensive. I like to do things that find the line and tip-toe across. I also think it's important to do and say things that other people wouldn't, if only for humor's sake. So I'm basically saying I don't take myself too seriously (unless we're talking about my hair) and you shouldn't either (unless you really want to, because any reaction is better than none at all). I also can't stand stupid people, but deal with their existence because of the comic opportunities they provide. I use the word moron a lot.

If you've arrived at this point you might know a little more about me than you did before, and if I'm right, this is the point where you're getting slightly annoyed at how long this first blog is. Therefore, I'll sign off now and if you want to know anything in particular just ask. Otherwise this will be the first of many blogs for me which will likely consist of daily rants and potentially humorous observations. Like any truly sleazy lounge singer I'm willing to take requests but until then I'll say goodbye. There's no point blowing my proverbial load during what is merely blogging foreplay, right?